The Dummies Guide for Identifying Religious Sinners

I want to thank all the defenders of religion. 

Not just mine but every religion. Your religion - headed by God/ the son of God/ the prophets of God/ 330 crore Gods - would have collapsed entirely if it had not been for you. 

Sure, some of the easy things like robbery, murder et al come under the social compass of  'a crime' but then what do those law makers really know about the true crimes that God meant? The ones that God feels truly defines wrong-doers is way more specific and no doubt, accurate and it is a good thing that you are there today to help God out. 

Personally, I sincerely hope you manage to find and out all these blasphemers. And I mean, ALL of them. You know... the:

• Non-believers of any religion.
• Non-believers of your religion. 
• All Christians.
• All Hindus. 
• All Muslims.
• All Jews.
• All Sikhs.  
• All ( * insert religion * )
• All Beef-eaters.
• All Pork-eaters.
• All those who eat animals that don't chew cud / have a divided hoof.
• Those eating seafood which does not have fins or scales.
• All those who eat non-vegetarian food on Monday, Thursday or Friday.
• Anyone imbibing wine or alcohol.
• Anyone getting tattoos.
• Those who eat Any Food on religious days of fasting.
• Those who eat fruit from a tree within 4 years of planting it.
• Those Eating vegetables that grow under the ground.
• Those Eating eggs.
• Those Eating non-halal meat.
• Those Eating non-kosher meat.
• Those Eating non-vegetarian food.
• Those eating green coloured vegetables during specific periods of the calendar.
• Those who eat after sunset.
• Those who eat with their left hand.
  
• Those who don't include salt in offerings to God.
• Those who don't pray five times a day.
• Those who don't pray one time a day.
• Those who don't go to religious sites of worship.
• Those who belong to your religion but not the same sub-division of your religion.
• Those who go to a religious site of worship within 33 days of giving birth to a boy.
• Those who go to a religious site of worship within 66 days of giving birth to a girl.
• Those who don't pray together.
• Women who pray with men.
• Those who talk to people who left their religion.
• Those men who pray behind a woman. 
• Those who pray to religious idols.
• Those who don't pray to religious idols.
• Ignoring the judgement of a priest.
• Those who have doubts about religion which you don't know the answer to.
• Women who don't cover their entire body.
• Women who don't cover their hair.
• Women who wear jeans and non-traditional clothing.
• Women who study.
• Women who talk on the phone.
• Women who talk in religious places.
• Women who eat chowmein and have mobile phones.
• Women who talk with men other than their family members.
• Women who are alone with men other than their family members. 
• Women who eat food sitting beside their husband.
• Women who raise their hands in self-defense against their husbands.
• Women who visit their parents without informing their husband.
• Women who make men fall in love with them without getting parental consent.
• Women who have pre-marital sex.
• Women who refuse sex after marriage.
• Women who enter a place of worship while having their periods.
• Women who have abortions of their own free will.
• Men who are uncircumcised.
• Divorcing.
• Getting remarried after getting divorced.
• Adoption.
• Having brown skin.
• Wearing jewelry.
• Shaping your eye brows.
• Trimming your beard.
• Letting your hair grow long.
• Getting a haircut on a Tuesday.
• Wearing deep v-necks.
• Wearing cologne.
• Not wearing cologne.
• Cross-breeding animals.
• Cartoonists.
• Painters.
• Authors.
• Musicians.
• Those listening to music.
• Those watching television. 
• Lusting for the opposite gender.
• Lusting for the same gender.
• Being Transsexual. 
• Cross-dressing.
• Playing outdoor games.
• Playing chess.
• Working during the seventh day of the week - includes
• sowing, 
• baking, 
• washing, 
• tying, 
• stitching, 
• writing two or more letters, 
• erasing two or more letters.
• Men wearing silk.
• Mixing fabrics in clothing.
• Having a pet dog.
• Touching an unclean animal.
• Playing with Toys resembling human beings.
• Choosing your country over your religion.
• Selling land permanently.
• Planting different seeds in the same field.
• Indulging in material pleasures after you are old.
• Turning to spiritualists.
• Believing in human Gods.
• Not believing in human Gods.
• Seeking omens. (astrology?)
• Believing in reincarnation.
• Not believing in reincarnation.
• Committing suicide.

It is true. God (or Gods, all of whom must surely be following these same rules up in heaven) would have collapsed under the sheer weight of managing the one tiny single planet out of the billions based on all these rules and sub-rules he created.

So what if random people die while doing so? It's for the greater good, right?

By proving that the crimes committed by people of other religions are worse than the crimes committed by the people of your religion, you ensure that your God will be victorious in the weekly points tally in heaven.

By beating, torturing and killing innocent people just because they don't belong to your religion, you ensure that your God will be strutting proudly up above.

By shaming a woman for showing the hair upon her head or basically anything she does, we protect God from embarrassment as God too has never seen hair on the head of his own creations before or wanted them to have any freedom of choice.

By enforcing rules about watching television, plucking eyebrows, talking on a mobile phone and playing football on today's generation based on rules made for a civilization 2000 years ago, you are showing that your God was always future-ready.

As long as God stays safe, nothing else need matter. Because - repeat after me - God would have collapsed under the sheer weight of managing one tiny single planet out of the billions he made HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR YOU, Oh defender of your religion.

He should probably be bowing before you instead of vice versa for all the lives you have killed in his name while he was not around to speak for himself.

P.S. To say that "their religion's silly rules are worse than my religion's silly rules" is an idiotic and lame excuse, frankly. This whole "what about them" style of reasoning while defending religious hate crimes is not what a sensible God would have intended. Why should someone today be harmed for the crimes committed by a total stranger 500 years ago, simply because they belonged to the same religion? How is there possibly any logic to that?

The rules above are taken from the most popular 4-5 religions practiced in the world today, including mine and most probably yours. I have mixed them all up because that is where the real fun about religious rules really begin, don't you think? When you want to mock the stupidity of a religious rule but see it beside another similar rule from your own religion, does it not feel the least bit awkward to you? Mind you, there is so much overlapping of religious rules, it isn't even funny!

If some of the rules above sound extremely insane, it was because they were part of the earliest iterations of religion. The problem is that today, more than ever before, all the major religions seem to be looking to push in their puritanical 1.0 original version once more. And I am sorry but that just does not fit in today's world. If anything, constricting rules such as these belongs where it was left behind - in the dark ages.  

Be honest with yourself - if you feel that it is okay for somebody to be harmed because of the religion they were born with, what does that truly say about your own religious beliefs? A God who made  200 billion galaxies does not need you to insult or harm somebody to save his name and reputation. He does not need you to be his 'hand of God'.

Learn empathy and compassion. Be a shining example of your religion's best features - something which will make others take notice in a positive way, for a change.    

P.P.S. If you did not find yourself in at least five of the above categories of blasphemy, kindly report to NASA, stating the exact nature of your species and your true purpose for visiting Earth. Also, your original space craft is presently parked in Area 51, I believe.

As a final exercise, go through the list above one more time. How many major sins have you committed in that list till date, my friend?