Your future Prime Minister awaits you!

"With great power-cuts come great responsibility..." - Indian Anonymous.

All these years, I felt that my calling in life was to be a food connoisseur, trekking across the length and breadth of this nation as I hunt for the best buffet of the nation (Barbeque Nation, presently). But now, having seen so much anguish and hatred amongst my fellow brothers and their sisters as they shred each other apart on social media over who would be a worthy Prime Minister to lead this country into the future, I find that, like that other famous guy in America who usually flies around wearing his red underwear over his blue unitard, I too must accept my true calling and stand up to save the nation.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I, His Highness The Sultan of Blogpuri the Third, am willing to be the better alternative. I will be your Prime Minister, once you choose me.

I sense that there will be a bit of skepticism... it is okay. Your ignorance to my magnificence is pardoned. 

What do I offer that others don't, you ask? How will I be different? Allow me to elaborate.

My cabinet: 

• Unlike other parties which choose rich millionaires as their candidates and policy makers, my team will predominantly consist of the one set of people who have proven their sense&sensibility consistently over many decades: The team of Amul advertising guys. Because no one knows what India thinks more than that girl who never ages! (Plans to change the term 'Mother India' into 'Butter India' have been discussed; rest assured we will have an sms system to hear public opinion as well.) 

• • Rocky and Mayur from Highway on My Plate will obviously be inducted into the Lok Sabha. They are wacky yet sensible and they know where to get the best take aways for our lunch breaks. Also, with them, the only porn we will catch ministers watching in the Houses would be food porn!

Hehehe... One step closer to the
Indian Parliament canteen, brotha'!

• Sherlyn Chopra: During one of the previous Parliamentary sessions, we witnessed an embarrassing scenario where all the grown men of a party were ordered by their lady-boss to stand up and shout to disrupt someone else who was speaking. It's something I would never have even imagined seeing in a school or college debate - grown men not having a mind of their own and awaiting instructions on whether to sit or stand. That's why I would want Sherlyn in... would be nice to have someone with actual balls in the House! (P.S. I'm sorry Sherlyn. But Sunny Leone will be getting our Foreign Minister post. Please understand. She's got more international exposure.)
• Amisha Patel as Finance Minister. She studied Economics and has a gold medal for it. Your argument is invalid. (Me having a crush on her since her Kaho Na Pyaar Hai days is purely coincidental.)

  

  No Amisha! That's not our political symbol!

• Raghu Ram and Rajiv Laxman (of Roadies) as the twin Speakers of Lok Sabha. Because sometimes you need the person sitting up there to just stand up and scream 'STFU!!' to an errant politician.
• Can I bring Abdul Kalam back from retirement? Just as a 'Honorary Member of Parliament'. Dude doesn't need to say a word. Just sit there serenely and read the paper if he wants to. It would just be nice to have someone with class and knowledge in the House after all these years.
• ACP Pradyuman in charge of Law. Because he da maan.

Do you feel lucky, Pappu? Do ya??

• Abhishek Bachchan: I really just want to hear him say 'What an idea, sir ji!' when I talk in Parliament. Makes me feel cool.

Other members will be inducted by the traditional Indian method of 'Swayamwara' where they all stand together and the above mentioned members will go and garland random people without knowing jack-s**t about them. Hey, if it worked for our ancestors, should work fine for us, right? There will also be a 'kho-kho' elimination round with strategic time-outs. 

My vision for India: 

Ah yes, the big question. What do I have to offer to India that other parties don't?

• • Money saving schemes: I found an easy way to save us a crap-load of cash. The best part is, you don't even have to invest! See, it came to my notice that these children who presently sit in Parliament just bawl their butts off till class gets dismissed everyday Some media reports quoted the loss to the tax payer at 2 lakhs per minute wasted. So here's my quick fix - money lost for every minute wasted BY the children inside the House WILL BE compensated BY the children's parties themselves.  Best  case scenario - their papa (or mommy in some cases) running the show tells them to stop wasting his/her 'hardly earned' money and engage in an actual debate. Worst case scenario - they continue crying and screaming... doesn't cost us a paisa. Either way, we save 2-5 crores a day which can ACTUALLY be used for public welfare.

    

    Mera paisa gaya re!!

  • Khap Panchayats will stay. They are an essential part of our culture and heritage and must be given that due respect. I only request that you go to them during regular visiting hours, do not feed them peanuts or put your hands in between the bars of the cage to try to touch them when you visit them or the monkey enclosures nearby. (I'm kidding. You can totally feed the monkeys in the zoo. They're our forefathers, man. Show some respect.)
  • Morality: It's tough to get the balance between modern and traditional opinions, especially where love and romance go (because we all know that we became the second most populous country in the world without showing any love). Anyway, here's what I offer: public displays of affection are allowed (youth- yeah! oldies - boo!). Also, free wi-fi in public, thus ensuring that couples hands will be on their own mobiles and not on their beaus (youth-yeah! oldies - yeah! Me with both their votes in my pocket - yeah yeah!)
  • Freebies: Some parties offer free water and electricity. I offer you More holidays in a year! Instead of ministers not attending work and getting paid while the public gets a dozen national holidays, I say we add more national holidays into the mix so that the working class has more reasons to smile. Proposed days include:
  • • National Topless Ganguly Day (July 13 - to celebrate India's ridiculous 2002 Natwest series final chase of 326 after being 146/5)
    • Chodo Kal ki Baatein Day (July 21 -to coincide with the life altering moment when Salman Khan hugged Shahrukh Khan after years of animosity)
    • Alok Nath Day (Celebrating how one man's tweet can make the whole country remember India's reel pitaji of the nation.)
    • Ek Anhoni Kahani Diwas (To honour what I still consider the most amazingly mind-numbing movie of Bollywood starring so many Indian celebrities - Jaani Dushman: Ek Anhoni Kahani. A 20 foot statue of Armaan Kohli growling will be made every year... and promptly thrown into the Bay of Bengal.)

"Please make 'Ek Anhoni Kahani Diwas' happen..."

• Storybook Saturdays. (On the third Saturday of every alternate month, everyone has to wear comic book outfits and come to work. I really just want to see all of the ministers debating on national issues while wearing Wonder Woman and Spiderman outfits... I'm worried that Abhishek Bachchan will wear the Wonder Woman outfit though!)      
• No more detaining of members of fanatic groups and parties who trash public indiscriminately and are then released within 24 hours. As part of a program of reciprocity, we will be deporting you to our beloved neighbour across the North border for target practise for the princely sum of Rs 50/- and some of their homemade paaya soup. Thus in one stroke, we will be 
• a)making our own streets safer for Indians who are trying to work for the country 
• b)get rid of a major chunk of the unemployed jobless unproductive goons who've chosen to take to violence and beat afore-mentioned hard working Indians. 
• c) Made a minor dent in the over-population problem.
• Paaya soup! Woo Hoo!
• Convicted rapists, you're gonna join them. Double Woo hoo! Free one way trip abroad!   
• Minority appeasement: 25% deduction in taxes for bloggers with blogs greater than four years old.  
• Pazham pori/banana fritters will be declared the national snack of India. (I have to appease my Kerala constituency also. Kindly adjust. It was either this or lime pickle with toddy.)

  

  I'm considering making it the party logo as well.
  
  
  

Unraveling the REAL scams: 

• Every election, political parties bring up scams from the past to belittle their opponents. The fact is, by showcasing these old scams, the real scams of today are actually being suppressed. No more, my brothers from a million other mothers, no more! When I become PM, we will focus on what matters most to every Indian. 
• • Is Manmohan Singh just Rakhi Sawant with a bushy beard? You don't believe me? Well, has anyone ever seen the two of them together? Is MMS not talking only because we would instantly recognise Rakhi's accent? Is there not enough doubt for a CBI enquiry??
  • How did Sajid Khan get Jacqueline Fernandes? I mean, how? It doesn't make any... I can't imagine what she... I'm sorry, I can't... I just can't. *wipes single lonely tear from eyes*

    

    Jacqueline, if he's blackmailing you, blink twice...

  • Why is Ishant Sharma not the captain of the Indian team yet? He has tons of experience, more facial hair than Dumbledore and keeps an extra cricket ball inside his throat at all times to showcase his love for the game. He has no controversial girlfriends, does not bitch about his team mates and is loved by batsmen of all countries. So why this discrimination against him? Why dis Kolaveri di?
  • Is Arnab Goswami Wolverine? (Yes, he is. In the unedited video of his interview with my PM competitor, the 'young' fifty year old accidently spits on Arnab while animatedly trying to drive home the point that RTI, women and Honey yo-yo are all because of him. The spit, like all previous bullet wounds to the Wolverine just disappears. How? How? India wants to know!) 

    

    You don't want to make me angry, bubba...

  • Are Salman Khan's man-boobies divine girl magnets? I've tried to replicate his shirtless pose a hundred times. It always ended up with the women asking me to "shake 'em 'tatas!" like Mamta Kulkarni in Ghatak (remember this?). On a positive note, the money they threw at me for my boobie-dance is what has funded this campaign and paid for my Rolls Royce (Hot Wheels).

This is what I offer to India that others don't - no false rhethoric, no idle jousts with opponents. Just a clear cut manifesto. My 50 paise public relations manager (who is also my milkman... somebody else booked the 500 crore PR agency I wanted) has handed me the words below as my party's catchphrase, which I shall now release to the blogosphere. 

"Vote for me. 4 out of 5 toothists dentists recommend it*."

(*Yet to be verified.)

To my fellow competitors for the Prime Ministerial post, I have this to say...

"Don't misunderstandestimate the power-cut of the common man!! 

*insert growl here*"

See you soon at the Sabhas, everyone.

Love

The one and only Sultan of Blogpuri... the third.

I wonder why some people had an
issue with this innocent campaign slogan. 

Blog note - 

• You have been charged Rs 5/- for reading this article on the blog. Charges will be reimbursed to your account on sharing with fellow literates.
• Godyears has not been paid to endorse the views of the above mentioned candidate. Any similarities between this guy and Rajnikanth are purely coincidental.*

(*Yet to be verified.)