Hidden Spectrum

The initial plan involved nine of us. Tired and weary after an all-nighter, most of us had dozed off as soon as we had reached our homes with the promise of meeting up for the new 3-D blockbuster release later that night. Of the gang, three backed off before I even woke up around lunch time. Another two developed sudden family commitments. By the time Sheila called me to see if at least I would be there, our colossal army was down to a tiny herd of three: Sheila, Nitu and myself. 

Nitu was our resident gynecologist: a stickler for time, she had a strong attention to detail, loved Hindi maa-bahu serials for some reason and was betrothed to one of the city's up-and-coming surgeons. 

Sheila... now she was a different cup of tea. A couple of years younger than Nitu, she had joined the hospital for a one year fellowship in emergency medicine. Blessed with soft features and a warm smile, she had quickly disposed of the 'introvert' tag we had mistakenly labeled her with and was the life of the party. 


She and I got along famously within the gang, owing to our shared love for 'the good things in life' - English comedy sitcoms, retro rock, road side food stalls and murder mystery novels. It was always a pleasure having her around because like me, she too never indulged in 'medical talk' once we stepped out of the hospital. 

As you can guess, I was sweet on her. I had convinced myself that it was just a crush but as the months wore on and the feelings refused to wane, I knew my heart had betrayed me again by falling hard. I could never approach her though - the secret I held within me pretty much ensured that I had no right to. 
For her part, if she had guessed my feelings earlier, she was kind enough not to make a spectacle of it or take advantage of it. That's just the kind of girl she was.

When I arrived at the cinema hall, I was greeted with contrasting expressions from my two 'dates'. Nitu wore her 'Hulk-mad' look while Sheila stared at me with a mock frustrated pout before grinning widely. We had underestimated the rush for the first day of the movie apparently. The theater never took online bookings on day one and so the crowd had queued up the moment the counter had opened. The two women were pretty much near the end of the line and were rightly annoyed at me. Well, Nitu was anyway.

As we waited in the queue, I watched the surrounding stores in the mall and my gaze came to rest upon a young couple at the ice cream parlour nearby. Obviously in love, they had eyes only for each other. I watched with a smile and yes, even a twinge of envy, as the woman took a tiny scoop of ice cream from her cup and playfully fed her guy. When I turned back, Sheila was watching me and shaking her head.

"I take it you really like that ice-cream then?" she said, a mischievous grin washing over her cherubic face.

Lost in a personal memory, I didn't have a ready repartee for that and just shrugged. Sheila stared at me for a few moments, turned and looked at Nitu standing in front of her in the queue and then turned back to me. There was a curious expression on her face.

"Do you know what I love about Castle?" she said, referring to a show we both loved.

"The lead actor Nathan Fillion?" I ventured.

"Obviously, but besides that. I love the chemistry between the two of them. It's not like in our Hindi films where boy accosts girl, then helps her once and she falls in love and dances with him. No, here we get to see the full spectrum of emotions between the two over a long period of time - the initial infatuation, the protective feeling for the other, the heartbreak, the inner dilemmas and insecurities, the silent realization that yes, this is more than a crush or lust... this is love. It's like a rainbow of all the colours that love has."

I nodded. "I like that it's two people secure in the outer facade they portray yet so insecure in the feelings they have for each other. So many of us have that issue yet we rarely see it showcased in our own movies."

She arched an eyebrow at me. "Yes. We all feel that way at some level, don't we?" Her expression had changed to something I could not read even as her eyes remained fixed on mine. I could feel my heart beating rapidly. What was she alluding to? 

She continued, her eyes now fixed upon the couple at the ice-cream parlour. "The thing is that sometimes we see them so scared of their feelings for each other that they deliberately choose not to be alone with the other. They are scared, I guess, of making the wrong move and losing the one they love. What they don't realize is that by not letting the other person know directly, they may leave it for too late."

I looked down at my own shoes as I replied. "Well, if they feel they are not worthy of the other..."

'Who decides that?" she asked, her eyes on me.

"The script writers, of course." a voice butted in and we both turned to Nitu beside us. She stared at us with a bland expression as she continued. "Obviously, they decide what's best for the show. Come on, let's get out of here. The show is sold out, all thanks to you, Mr Late-arrival!. Let's atleast hit the food court and get a seat before the rest of this crowd reaches there." 

I stared at her, open mouthed and Sheila too nodded and grinned. When she turned to me, the smile faltered as she spoke. "True. But that's the thing... in the show, Castle fears so many things - whether he is worthy of her, whether she likes his goofy clumsy ways, whether he and she would make a good match. That's common in any relationship, I guess. But you know something else I noticed?"

"What?" I asked.

"The fact that he's a divorcee and she's a 'never married' is never an issue. It's never even addressed on the show which is pure awesome-sauce for me. Because it shows the priorities that should matter - your feelings for the person - not tags like his caste, family tree or previous failed marriages. Those don't determine the success of a relationship, compatibility does. And I just think it's sad that a good person would have to feel that even though he likes a woman, he is not worthy of her because of any such tag."

I felt my vocal cords constrict but didn't look away. She shrugged and smiled as we walked behind Nitu who had rushed ahead to get a seat. The whole time we were together that night having dinner at the food court, I kept stealing glances at her as Nitu droned on in the corner about the cases she had done the previous night. Every time I caught her eye, Sheila would hold my gaze and there was a twinkle there that I had not seen before. I didn't have the right words to say even as I dropped them off at their apartment complex. When I turned back at the gate, Nitu had already entered the building but Sheila was still there at the ground floor, watching me leave.

I messaged her after midnight when I had finally worked up the courage.

"How long have you known?"

Her reply arrived instantaneously. "I met a college friend of yours at Sandhya's wedding last month. She told me."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"I'm not offended. No one wants to publicize the fact that they are a divorcee. I get that."

"Thanks. It's not like our sitcoms. In India, it is a big deal."

"Now that I don't get. So many people have dozens of relationships and are real jerks but then have a happy marriage against all odds. And so many people just remain kindred souls the whole time and then choose wrong when the time comes for marriage. Yet they are the ones society looks down upon?"

"That's the way it works, Sheila. As far as society goes, I have to swim in the 'divorcee' end of the swimming pool. It's as though we are branded for life."

"But that's just it, you dimwit. Why do you care what the public thinks? They don't pay your bills or put a roof over your head. So why do you let them decide where that balloon you call your heart chooses to float?"

"It's not just society or the girl's parents. Most women would reject me outright the moment they hear that 'D' word, you know. After awhile, it kind of becomes ingrained in your psyche that you should not consider yourself worthy of anyone other than a divorcee."

A few minutes passed and I wondered if she had dozed off. Just as I had given up for the night and turned away, I heard the mobile buzz and the sms tone ring once more. I stared at the eight words and the winking smiley face that followed them and embarrassing as it is to admit, I smiled and winked back at the inanimate screen. 

"I'm not most women, Roshan. Just remember that. ;) "

For the first time in years, I felt that long-lost sensation again - of happiness and queasiness intermingled, of butterflies in the tummy and violin strings within my heart. And it was the most exquisite feeling indeed. A feeling of acceptance. A feeling of a dream starting to come true.

It's been three years since that night where the majority of our gang was too lazy to go for a movie. I've changed my mobile twice since then but I always make sure I copy this conversation onto the next mobile I have. Sheila winces every time I mention that fact while retelling the story, calling me an old-school sentimental fool. Well, she would know. After all, we're celebrating our first wedding anniversary this Christmas. 

And yes, whenever we have an ice-cream, we still do feed each other a scoop from our own cups even today.

Author's note: This story is part of the Indiblogger contest celebrating our Platinum Day of Love. Platinum, to me, is unlike other jewellery for a simple reason. It signifies change. After watching generations hanker after gold and diamonds, to see people finally acknowledging the ever lasting nature and beauty of platinum is heartening. It also reminds me that yes, change is possible in people's mindsets if you know what truly matters to you.