The League of Extraordinary Athletes

I had finally escaped from my patients and was enjoying my annual vacation in Goa sipping pina coladas by the beach. With a wonderful view of the sunset and families running around and playing, life could not be better. That's when I get an invite to join a WeChat conversation from a very unique group. Intrigued, I join in. 

DocRoshan has joined the League of Extraordinary Athletes group.

Me: Hello? 

Maradona: Thank God you are here. Finally, an objective mind. We need help deciding who is the best sportsman in the world. Will you be the judge?

Me: Oh. I would be honoured. Let me see who all are in here. Who's first?

Maradona: Me. Though I don't see what the confusion is. It is obviously me, of course. 

Me: What makes you think you were better than Pele, Beckenbauer or Messi? 

Maradona: Please. Have you seen me dribble? I changed the face of football with my brilliance. When people see me, the first image that comes to mind is of football.

Tiger Woods: Well, yes. I have to agree. Have you seen his size recently? I would definitely think of a huge giant football only.

Maradona: Why you rascal! If I didn't have a bucket of chicken with me right now that needs to be finished, I would come over and make a hole-in-one in your head.

Me: Now now. No violence. Tiger, what about you? What makes you think you deserve the title?

Tiger: Dude. Black man playing a rich white boy's game and beating him at it. Underdog story alert! I made them my dawgs, yo!

Mogambo: Yes. Apparently making the rich white guy's gals yours was a sport too, I guess.

Tiger: Hey hey hey! Don't make me come up there with a 9-iron club,yo!

Me: Mogambo! What are you doing here? This chat is for sportsmen.

Mogambo: Ha ha ha! Mogambo khush hua! A group without me is like Mr India without his watch - it is useless. And who said I am not an athlete?

Tiger: What is your sport? Removing your wig the fastest? LOL.

Maradona: LOL. 

Me: That's not fair. You should not insult a guy just because he is bald. Everyone grows bald.

Tiger Woods has left the conversation.

Me: Oh. What happened to Tiger?

Mogambo: The sharks in my hideout were hungry. They needed a snack. 

Me: Oh my God! Did you just feed Tiger to the...

Mogambo: Let's just say, my fishes are very happy right now. Here, let me send you their picture.

Maradona: Gulp.

Me: Uh. No insult, Mr Mogambo Ji but the question still stands: Why should you be considered in this competition?

Mogambo: World Domination is a sport too, you know. Everyone wants to be the best in their field of competition. The same applies to me. I just want to be the best dictator. And when it comes to having the world on their knees begging for mercy, is there anyone who could compete with me?

MNS: Manoj Night Shyamalan here. I would beg to differ.

Me: Wow. Seriously? You want to get in on this? YOU?? How can you even think that?!

MNS: I am a visionary. Mogambo says he makes people beg for their lives. Well, so do I. Whether it is Unbreakable, Signs, the Happening, Avatar - the Airbender... people were always begging for humanity.

Maradona: I've never even heard of these films!

Mogambo: Abhey Ullu ke Pattey! They were begging you to stop making such movies. Stop trying to break the world record for least viewed film ever!

MNS: Wow. That's a great idea.

Mogambo: you mean you will stop finally?

MNS: No. What you said earlier. 'Ullu ke Patte' ! Son of an owl! Yes. That will be the twist in my new movie. I will make a movie on penguins and then in the end, it will turn out that one of them is the son of an owl! Who should I cast now? Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis and Will Smith no longer answer my calls. Let me try Tom Cruise. Don't worry, Mogambo. I will put your name on the credit for the story.

Mogambo: Nahiiii. No. I cannot bear this humiliation. To be associated in a Shyamalan movie.

Mogambo has left the conversation.

Me: Dammit. Stop scaring everyone away, Manoj! Why can't you do this in your films?

Rick Castle has entered the conversation.

Me: Castle? From the Tv show?

Castle: Hey buddy. Have you seen Beckett? We're investigating the case of the dead dictator. Apparently, this guy Mogambo was found eaten up by his own sharks. He scribbled the words MNS on the floor before jumping into the sharkpool. We're following clues to see who this MNS is.

MNS has left the conversation.

Me: Umm.

Castle: Dammit. That was him, wasn't it? 

Me: Yup.

Castle: Kate is going to be soooo mad.

Me: How are things between you and her?

Castle: She plays hard-to-get a lot. I'm struggling to woo her. 

Maradona: Have you tried good food? It works for me. Here, let me show you an example.

Castle: A bucket of fried chicken with '68 Merlot wine?

Me: Don't listen to him! He only knows to play with his balls. 

Maradona: EXCUSE ME?

Castle: Giggle.

Me: I meant footballs. Now Castle, Let me get a few friends. They are experts in wooing gals half their ages.

Sunny Deol and Salman Khan have joined the conversation.

Maradona: Oh boy.

Salman Khan: The doc told me your problem. Biddu! You are a bachchu! You and all the boys in the police station should go out in the street and sing a romantic song for her. 

Castle: Like 'Wonderful Tonight'?

Salman Khan: LOL. You Pardesi fools. Nahi re. With truly meaningful, romantic lyrics. Like this one of mine - 

Dinka Chika Dinka Chika Dinka Chika Dinka Chika 

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye ! 

I sang it once and Asin was mine. Here, I will send you the video.

Sunny Deol: Castle Paajiiiii. Don't listen to this fooljiiii! 2g 3g... The gurls only fall because he is topless ji! You and I, we are intelligent also! You solve crimes and I have the natural brains of the Punjab da Puttar!

Castle: So what do you suggest?

Sunny Deol: You take her for evening dinner ji, then a ball room dance and then, during the dance, you lean in and say the following words in her ears and she will be yours forever, ji!

Castle: OOOh ! I like that. What are these magic words I should tell Beckett?

Sunny Deol: NO IF! NO BUTT! JUST COME TO MY HUT!

Maradona: 

Me: Oh brother. Look. The only sportsman here is Maradona. So unless you have any other worthy contender for the award, I will have to give it to...

God has joined the conversation.

Maradona has left the conversation.

Salman Khan has left the conversation.

Sunny Deol has left the conversation.

Castle has left the conversation. 

Sachin Tendulkar, Micheal Phelps, Sergey Bubka and the Undertaker have joined the conversation.

Sachin Tendulkar, Micheal Phelps, Sergey Bubka and the Undertaker have left the conversation. 

Ravindra Jadeja: Kya re baap! Mere naam ka competition and you did not invite me?

Me: I...uh... I. they called me for this competition as a judge. I didn't know you were around.

Ravindra Jadeja: Judge, it seems. Have any of them ever hit the silly point fielder for a six? Or opened the innings as a tailender?

Me: No sir.

Ravindra Jadeja: Have they ever dismissed the entire Sri Lankan team during an India-Australia match? Or been a leg-slip fielder on the offside?

Me: (gulp) No sir. 

Ravindra Jadeja: Is the International Atomic Clock calibrated using my sense of timing or not?

Me: Yes, sir. 

Ravindra Jadeja: Relax and enjoy Goa, man. Don't bother with these people. They will try to take my crown every once in awhile. Doesn't mean they will be successful. Empty barthan and barking kutte hai, bhai.

Me: I'm sorry Shri Jadeja ji.

Ravindra Jadeja: Don't make this mistake next time. Okay. It is time for the stadium to come to me for my practise session. I'm getting a wrecking ball from a construction crew today which I will be using for batting practise. Chal bhai... bye bye!

You have been kicked out of the conversation by God. Your phone will self destruct in 5seconds. Please put it down and run.

I scratch my head. What?? A huge neon countdown starts flashing on my mobile screen.

5...

What nonsense?

4...

Surely no way he can do that?

3...

Still I put the phone down on the beach and slowly back away.

2...

I run faster though I'm not sure why.

1...

That's when I hear the screams of the crowd and look up. A huge wrecking ball comes flying through the sky and crashes down, narrowly missing me and  smashing the phone to bits. When the sand settles down, there is a crater where I had been resting. I look around. In the distance, two shirtless men are practising dancing, with familiar steps of riding a towel. 

I can't be sure but I think it's Salman and Castle.

Author's note: The above post was my entry for the 'WeChat with anyone, anywhere' with Indiblogger and WeChat. Now to help me win, please sing the bhajan below with me.

"Om Jaye SriJadeja Hare, 

Swami Jaye SriJadeja Hare

Bhakt Jano Ke Sankat, 

Das Jano Ke Sankat

Khshan Mein Dur Kare 

Om Jaye SriJadeja Hare."

UPDATE:

This post won me a Rs1000 gift voucher from Flipkart.
Never underestimate the power of SriJadeja.