The need for everyone's approval

Parent's wishes, elder's decisions, bosses orders, time, religion, caste, gender.

We all have invisible handcuffs and shackles that hold onto us. 

I know I always did. Lots of them. One which was of my very own creation, in fact. You see, I always felt the need for everyone's approval. I would bend over backwards to accommodate people. I needed them to think well of me. I had to be the good guy in everyone's eyes.

But a funny thing's happened recently.

I don't care anymore for people who throw taunts and insults my way. Before it would have rankled. It would have stabbed. That was before. 
Today, I realize how silly it is to give a flying flute for such people's lies. After all, if a dog barks, we don't have to bark back at it. I know I almost did. 

Luckily, common sense prevailed.

Close friends always told me that I was stronger mentally than I let people know. They were right. I am. The mistake I made was that I always saw it as a curse since I would let very few people into my personal sanctuary and trust them with my pain. But I realize how wrong that was. That inner strength was what helped me through some of the most amazing crap that people have ever heard of. 

My life is testament to the 'fact is stranger than fiction' statement and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I realize now that I can't make peace with ill-wishing scoundrels. The mistake was to even try. Instead, it's time to be the person I am capable of being.

I don't want to be 'that guy' who talks of the brilliance of his caste and ancestry. I want to be known for the things I do and not the barks of brazen curs. Those who matter will stay. Those who don't never mattered.

This year has given me many chances to realize some of my dreams. 

• I got to attend a book launch as a co-author, which is something I never dreamed off even while writing romance scripts for classmates in anatomy dissection halls.

• As fellow blogger and co-author Nirvana pointed out, the publishing company was also kind enough to name me as Author of the Month  August 2012. 

• Another story is en route to being published in an anthology.

•  This blog, which started off in 2005, with no great aim or theme has got me the tag of Blogadda's Premium Blogger  and gave me a chance to judge the very contest I've participated in for nearly 4 years - The  Spicy Saturday Picks of the Week. 

• This blog has also helped me become friends with wonderful people I've never even met - people who I now trust better with my closest secrets than some of the 'recommended good guys' I had the misfortune of meeting in real life.

• I also got to finally catch up with my old partner-in-crime from college days. The last time I saw him and his wife was six years ago on his wedding day.  Since then, our worlds have gone in different directions and we just never found the time to take a break from being doctors, sons and care-takers. Finally being in Chennai and catching up with them ( Thank you GPS... how did people ever drive without it ? ) was a fond reminder of great days gone by, driving everyone from batch-mates and even our own staff crazy with our pranks. Age ( and weight !! ) have definitely caught up with us old folks, but the well wishes remain.

And that's an important realization I made. 

I have people who care. Not because of bloodlines or being in the same workplace or because they are indebted to my family. I have people who care for me as an individual. Not people who sympathise and walk away, but people who laugh genuinely with me and cry for the path my naiveté has led me down. People who actually pray for me. 

The irony is that in trying to please people who should never have mattered, I turned my back on people who cared for my well-being. Rookie mistake, huh ? That was a lesson I should have learned before I was allowed to graduate from college. 

I learned it too late. But now I have learned it. And it changes everything. 
I almost started barking back at the dogs barking at me. But I didn't. Because it isn't worth it. What I can do is stop caring for these boulders in my pathway and make my own destiny - one that I can finally say is all my own. 

After all, the way I see it, as long as I keep caring for those who care for me and refuse to succumb to the taunts and viciousness that is a part and parcel of life anyway, whether I reach my destination is actually  irrelevant. 
What matters are the memories I create and cherish along the way.