Hometown blues - the hunt begins

I'm back in the land of loons and bore.. sorry, I meant 'looms and lores' as my hometown is famously known. And in between the weekly hartals ( since bandhs are illegal... ), there's been more of the usual... and some unusual stuff too.

Chapter 1 - Job hunting
This was pretty much along expected lines, really. One of Kerala's most prestigious hospitals put it this way.
"You will have to work 118 hours with two 18 hour straight shifts a week. The work you will have to do is worth Rs 1.5 lakh a month. We will pay you Rs 40,000. Take it or leave it. Remember, it's a great thing to work for us."
Amazing. Guy tells us he's buying us for 1/3rd the price, promises to use us for ridiculous hours and still makes it sound as if he's doing us a favour. Even more ridiculous - a good chance we'll be taking up the job.

Sigh.. I swear, if my kids do drugs - I'll admonish them. They have a 100 boyfriends - I'll pretend to be a modern dad. They become Las Vegas burlesque dancers - I'll be proud of them ( and take down their galpals' numbers ). But if they try to join the medical field - by God, there'll be a honour killing, I tell ya !!

Chapter 2 - Fortune Hunting
No trip home ( atleast not my home ) is without the usual trip to the astrologers. It seems like since I was a kid, I've been walking around Godmen and astrologers and temples ( and when taking a break from the above, el God woman )

Well, the new guy's predictions after checking my horoscope were along expected lines -

Oh !! I can see he is in the medical field ( my mom mentioned it to him 2 minutes ago. ), his time suggests his studies will be over by July ( my mom mentioned that to him 2 minutes ago ) and that he will be working in the South region ( my mom mentioned that to him 1 minute ago... I really should consider duct-taping her mouth ! )
To be fair - he did have one original, accurate prediction - "seeing his horoscope, I can see he's fond of food." Now whether that was because my stars were in Jupiter or because his plastic chairs were groaning under my sumo weight, you decide.
Anyway, to get rid of some left over bad luck ( I had sacroiliitis, sciatica, a fractured arm and swine flu in 10 months and he says there's left overs !?! ), I have to 'do the roll' at Guruvayur. Wow. If I roll along the ground at the temple, there isn't gonna be the need for a road roller after that, what with me flattening the entire pathway. Oh well.. my parents said they wanted their son to be a big doctor - they should've specified they didn't mean weight-wise.
Personally, I think I'd have chosen Paul, the octopus who's accurately predicted Germany's course through the World Cup as my astrologer of the month. I wonder if he does house calls ?

Chapter 3 - Girl Hunting
Of course, I still very much plan on releasing the 'definitive compatibility' list for couples at my soon to be released Youreallywannamarryme.com ( funds will be gratefully accepted and appropriately misused . ) But till then, I'm stuck hunting for a girl for my brother and myself, I presume, now that Kim Kardashian has dumped me for another ( A moment of mourning, guys. Girls, if you do not sneer and go "ewww", that'll be good enough. )

As usual, so many things come into the equation when the elders go bridehunting - girl should be of the same caste, same creed, same religion, same species... talk about being picky. She should be homely but modern, wheatish but fair, an extrovert when she's not an introvert and have light coloured eyes which match her jet black hair. She should know to make a Kerala parota, a Calicut halwa and a Tellicherry chicken biryani while not compromising even a moment on her job ( Unless she's the CEO of a multinational company - then she should quit her million dollar salary and become a dutiful housewife and change the diapers. )

Seriously, Women's 'Day' ? That's it ? There oughta be a WOMEN'S MONTH to cope with the mental trauma of going through this kinda nonsense.

As for me and my co-pg R, we've no worries. We're the highest class of Kerala ( Coconut climbers, remember ? How much higher can it get than the top of the coconut tree, guys ?? ) and we've decided we're gonna find our respective brides the old fashioned way.. climbing up coconut trees and knocking girls walking on the roadside with coconuts.. then drag them back to our cave..sorry, I mean home.
[ P.S. The story we've released in Pune does involve us climbing coconut trees to win the girl's affection and convince her parents of our worthiness.. so any fellow coconut climbers / sane Keralites reading this, Shhh.. just go with the story for now. ]

Epilogue :
My buddy messages telling me his 2 year old kid gets irritated when he tries to change the channel to Nat Geo or Animal Planet. The kid loves watching the exercise machine commercials in the "teleshopping network" apparently.
Well, frankly, what's not to love - you got hot women in tights sweating it out. Frankly, I'm proud of that kid. Way to go, junior. Show daddy the right channels. Can't wait for that kid to start asking daddy to share his 'bird and the bees' video collection.

That's it from here. Have a great week everyone.