Medical Memories : Veda Vyasa and the 'Son of a *****'

Year : Somewhere between 2001-2003
Venue : Lecture hall, my old medical college
Time : Ophthalmology class

A little background so you know our colourful character. Our Ophthalmology Head was an absolute gem of a person..no matter what anyone else will say, I stick to that statement.
He was an elderly professor, with amazing knowledge and sadly for us at times, a razor sharp tongue with no license. Heaven save the Malayali patient who walks past him with his mundu lifted high ( He stopped class in mid sentence to point out how he could see the guy's balls dangling like cow bells ! ), demolished our 'butler's bastard son' English (the thick Mallu/Kannadiga accents in our speech) and of course, his pet hate, our Principal who he called burnt black devil ( in his defence, she was a thin, dark, evil woman, as I recall. )

Age, gender, our weight ( I recall my butt being likened to that of a rhino and a shorter stouter girl being called a big beach ball with tiny ant brains ), a loud sneeze .. he just needed a topic to digress to.
So why do I call our man a gem ? Well, his license-less insults provided many an embarassing moment, but he also defended us when noone else did and in exams, heaven save the external examiner who tried to give less than 70 % to his students.

Anyway, it was his lecture and the hall was huge. 100 students officially attend these classes in which his encyclopedia memory recites chapters of the eye like how Veda Vyasa did eons ago. Now, you have to understand, these classes were post clinics, post lunch for us.

The front benchers had mastered the art of keeping their eyes open and like Lord Ganesha, writing down eveything that was spoken from our Vyasa. Having been banished to the front bench on earlier occasions, I had learnt my lesson and chose the 3rd last row .. the safest to doodle and daydream. And then there were the "real" last benchers. The ones who'd come, give attendence and go lie down in the last bench and sleep or even sleep on the floor behind the benches if the benches felt uncormfortable.

This was one such class. Young J, a favourite of our Vyasa had successfully slept through the class and woken up in time for leaving after the hour ended. As he was leaving, he ran into sir.
Vyasa : Ah, J. How are you ?
J : Very good, Sir.
Vyasa : Any doubts about today's class ?
J : No sir. I understood everything, Sir. Your presentation is easier than the textbooks.
Vyasa : These foreign authors, they don't know how to present the points, I say. While writing the textbook, they will sleep with their secretary, full blood supply down there, nothing to brain, then where is the time to write well, I ask you ?

J : Very correct, sir. I read only your notes, sir.
Vyasa : Good, good. You are a good boy, I say. Not like some of the rascals in your batch. They just come and sit there and they don't listen at all, I say. Here, I am spoon feeding them and they are shitting it out like donkeys in the roadside, I tell you.
J : Yes Sir. Some are like that, Sir.
Vyasa : What to do ? All are accidents of their parents, I say.
J : Yes Sir.
Vyasa : Only because good boys like you are there, this batch is surviving. Others are having squirrel brain, I tell you. Squirrel brain.
J : Yes Sir.
Vyasa : Anyway, J... tell me, which all portions do you want me to cover in your coming classes ? Only few topics are left, I think.
J : Ummm.. uh.. Sir, I think you should take cornea, Sir.. that has not been covered. ( J hit a guess, since he couldn't recall it in recent times )

Vyasa stared at him for a few seconds. And then launched into his famed lyrical poetry.
Vyasa : Eeeeh ! Bolle Magga. Sulle Magga. You son of a prostitute ! You son of a dirty dog, I say. You go away from me, I say. You are a useless fellow, I say. Cornea you are asking me to take. Your parents made a mistake making you, I tell you. They should have used condoms, I tell you. You are fit only to shit, I say. Hah !! You rascal, you go, I say.

J, of course, needed no second invitation and ran. He caught up with G, another co-batchmate and told him what had happened. G burst out laughing.
J : What's wrong with the cornea ? It's been awhile. See ( he opened up his note book filled with the first 5 minutes of the last few lectures ) Conjunctiva, Iris, Cataract.. he hasn't taken cornea recently.
G patted him sympathetically on the shoulder.

G : TODAY's class WAS the cornea.