The War Maker

"Dad !!! Are you and mom fighting ?"
I kept my face buried between the newspaper sheets. I could hear the dishes being washed in the kitchen.

Flash back to 10 minutes ago.
Me : "Fool. "
She : "Idiot. Lazy bum."
Since I was already lazed over the couch watching the game, she decided to take the high ground and stormed off.
War had been declared.

Present day :
"Dad !! Yoohoo ? Dad ?"
I counted to 10. Slowly. Then peeped from the corner of the newspaper.
They were still there, of course. I tried to hide back within the confines of the business news but Priya was too fast. She snatched the paper from my hands. I sighed. My dear kids sat beside me on either side.
"What makes you think we're fighting ?" I asked sweetly.
"She told us to go ask that idiot if he wants tea."
"Oh, has her brother come... I didn't see him." A loud clanging informed me that a vessel had dropped with some force 'accidentally' in the kitchen. Then the footsteps.

She : "Dey manasha ! Don't insult my family. As if your family is the King of Kochi."
Me : "I wish it were. Then I'd hire you as a servant girl in our stables."
She : "You !! You're fit to lie in that stable only. Sorry, for you, they'll need an elephant stable."
They : ( giggles )

She and Me turned to them simultaneously.
Me : What's the matter with you two now ? What's so funny ?
Priya : You two are so funny. Both will fight like kids and then in the night, both will go to bed and next morning both come out smiling and laughing.
"SHE" turned a light shade of pink. I didn't miss a beat.
Me : That's because I keep her on a leash like Bruno ( our pomeranian-cocker spaniel-wolf hybrid ) at night. By morning, her rabies is cured.
She : Rabies ninde achan !! ( Rabies, your father !! )
Me : Don't insult my father ok.
Priya : If mommy is on a leash, then why do we need Bruno ? Can't we get rid of the dumb dog ? I swear I'm not getting a dog when I'm married.
I stared at her. How did my kids ever grow up to be dog-haters ? I'd have to consider cutting her out of the will if she kept up with the canine blasphemy.


Meanwhile, Twinkle, the younger of the two devils had gone over to her mom. She pulled at her maxi and asked.
Twinkle : Mommy. What was the worst fight you two ever had ? ( Quite mature for a 4 year old... man, they grow up so fast. )
"SHE" looked at me for help. For all the fights we have, the fact is she's quite a simpleton in these matters. Twinkle takes after her while Priya's got my brattish ways. Heaven help her first boyfriend whoever he may be.
I stepped in to answer Twinkle.

Me : Well, it was soon after our wedding. We couldn't decide on kids.
Twinkle & "She" listened wide eyed.
"You see, back in those days, we had a choice. We could decide whether we wanted a child or a dog, but we had to choose only one."
"She" stared bug-eyed at me.
Twinkle : And ?
Priya : And what else ? They chose me, of course.
Me : Yes, but only after a lot of fighting.
Twinkle : Why ?
Priya : Let me guess. Daddy wanted a stupid dog as usual. Thank God mummy had brains or else you'd be sharing your room with a dog right now.
Me : Actually, that wasn't quite it. You see, the fight was over what breed of dog to get. Your mom wanted a Labrador and I wanted a Pomeranian. In the end, the seniors stepped in and overruled our votes. And that's how you were delivered to this house by Fed-Ex.

Priya : MOMMY !!!
Twinkle : Really ? ( Boy, these kids are gullible ! )
"She" was miserably trying to suppress a smile at this turn of events.
Priya looked for some reassurance that she was still the centre of our universe and that daddy was just bluffing as usual. Finally, she let out a scream.
Priya : I know daddy is lying. If that was so, that only you can choose a dog or a baby, then how did Bruno come to our house ?
I opened my mouth.. but nothing came out. Damn, have to think fast. "Umm.. Uh"

She : "Oh, didn't we tell you ? That was Priya 1. The first girl we got we also named Priya. But because she didn't behave well, we exchanged her for Bruno. Got a free Tv set with him too. It was a good exchange, no ?"
I smiled at her.
"The best. Saved a lot of money on college fees. Infact, I was thinking, both these girls warranty period is still running, no ? We can still exchange one of them if they remain disobediant..like not doing their homework or snatching daddy's paper when he's reading it."
"Aaah !!" They both screamed. Priya ran into her room and Twinkle followed. In minutes, the rustling of textbooks and the whirr of a pencil sharpener could be heard.
"She" smiled at me, came and stood beside the couch.
She : Not bad, mister.
Me : Ya, you too.
We both looked at each other. Truce.

She : "Now atleast can you change the channel. Full day you'll sit and watch these people play and lose or what ?"
I stared at her.
Me : "Woman, don't you have any work ? Get me a tea or something !! And some snac... ooof !! "
Hmmm.. She's quite strong I guess to be able to push me off the couch.. Oh well. I'm too lazy to get back up. Thank God for fluffy carpets.
Me : Hey, this gives me a better view of the Tv. Thanks. Now where's my tea ?

She : Idiot.
Me : Fool.
She stormed off again. Truce over.

Final word :

I woke up to the sound of panting. The match was still going on. I Must have dozed off. I looked up. Bruno stared upside down at me.
Me : No licking.
He seemed to understand. He gave a mild bark.
Me : Are you kidding me ? I'm in your space ? Really ?? I own this house !! I can choose to sleep wherever I want. Let me see what you find so good about this carpet. Now go sleep on the couch.
He understands me. That's the best part. He jumped on the couch and found his sweet spot. Then lay down and stared at me.I smiled back. Good boy.
"She" was gonna have a fit when she saw Bruno on the couch. Especially, because Bruno had chosen her favourite spot.

I'm no good at these truces but, damn, I'm good at war.

Author's note : I just really wanted to do a follow up to What Dreams May Come. That's all. Happy Vishu everyone.. have a great year ahead.