Focus...

Focus. It's a funny thing.

"Focus" She said. "Focus on what he's doing."

I held the mask over his face.

I thought of how simple life was when I was a kid. Focus.

I thought of how last night while driving back, we hit a dog... how I wanted to stop and see how it was doing but my friend said "who cares ? It's just a street dog !" And I thought of my own Ruby and how it could have been her. But I allowed the car to drive on. Focus.

I thought of how sick I felt having to depend on my aging parents even as I enter my 3rd decade of life, because of my professional choices. Focus.

He wasn't breathing. I opened his mouth forcefully.

I thought of how I could remember the first chocolate a girl gave me, but I couldn't see her face anymore in my head or remember her giggle. Focus.

I thought of the first child who died in my arms. Focus.

I thought of how I myself chose every important decision in my life... and watched everyone in my life suffer. Focus.

From where I'm looking, the light is dim... but I can see what I need to. I know I can do it. Above all else, I must believe I can do it.

"Give me the 8.5 number tube." I say.

"Are you sure ?" my senior asks doubtfully. "Yes, Ma'am."

I think of how my recent crush turned out to be not just married, but also a mother. Focus.

I think of how alone I feel in a crowd everyday. Focus.

I think of how when I'm gone, people will vaguely remember me as someone who made them laugh for atleast one day in their life. Focus.

"Tube's in." I say as I remove the scope and connect the tube to the oxygen source.

The Madam turns to the students beside her.

"Did you all focus on what he did ? It was a difficult intubation but he made it look so easy. That comes with experience and good concentration skills. You could see it in his eyes. His mind was focussed only on the patient in front of him and how to intubate him. He did not allow his mind to wander or be distracted by what was going on around him in this operation theatre. That is what is needed when handling a difficult case. That is true... what's the word ?

"Focus ?" a junior volunteers.

"Exactly. Focus. That's what he displayed just now to you all. Good job, Roshan."

The irony is not lost on me. I nod thankfully as I motion simultaneously to the surgeon that he can begin operating.

I think about how someday, I too will come home to my own wife and kids. Focus.

I think about how someday, my name too will appear in journal articles and presentations. Focus.

I think about how someday, I will finally bring joy to those I love. Focus.

I think of how someday, hopefully, the tide will turn in my favour again. Focus.

From where I'm looking, the light is dim... but I can see what I need to. I know I can do it.

Above all else, I must believe I can do it. Focus.