Goodbye Pal

I wish I could have been home today.

I wanted to say goodbye to someone I loved, before he left.

There is a superstition from my past that came back to haunt me today as I finished my last case of the day. The belief goes that if someone tries to harm you, the pets in your house suffers first. I don't believe in it much, but I remember it from the past because I always wondered whether I would be responsible for the suffering of an innocent creature just because someone wished ill of me.

Imagine how it felt then when I returned home 3 months back, unable to walk because of a mystery ailment to the leg and found that Leo, Ruby's 8 year old child, had suffered an equally mysterious deep wound on his back left leg, akin to my own left leg, which wouldn't heal. Both of us lay bedridden for 2 months, a few feet away. When I finally got walking and visited him, he still stood up and found it in him to do what he did best - hold my paw with his, grip it... and just stand there. A dog seeking his master's approval.

I eventually got operated on, diagnosed, treated and joined back to work. Leo, inspite of the best care available,did not heal. He got worse with every day. But he still gamely ran on 3 legs when let out. He still let his bossy son, Bruno get first dibs on whatever events they went on - be it eating, drinking, bathing or just leaving the cage first. He was a good dad.

As adviced by the vet, Leo was put to sleep today. My mom fed him his favourite chicken and rice in the morning. She didn't want him to leave with an empty stomach. She cried in the prayer room as he left. Bruno, his self centred kid, hasn't stopped crying yet... I could hear him over the phone as my mom told me the news hours later.Me ? I've got to look after humans. I'm not allowed to show that the death of a dog can break my spirit. I must carry on with my day. Lives depend on it.

In these years while I've been busy pursuing my career, I've always been haunted by how I've had to give up the love and affection I would have wanted to bestow on those who mean a lot to me. My parents, brother, friends... and my pets. All have suffered my indifference as I have had to choose a textbook or two over them when they needed me. How there was never enough time for a gesture that said "I love you" when someone needed it the most. In this race to be the best in the field, I look back now and see all the people I've hurt like this. They're all familiar faces. They're all the faces of people who loved me.

It keeps stabbing at me even as I write this that, in the end, I could never find enough time for this lovable dog who lived in my house for 8 years... who just wanted to hold my hand all day long.

I wish I could have seen you just one more time before I left... just to tell you how much I loved you.

I'm sorry pal. I really am. You deserved better than me.

Rest in Peace.