My Vacation escorts

It's a wonder I'm not behind bars. After all, I carry an unlicensed WSD which causes havoc whenever unleashed on an unsuspecting public..WSD ? Weapon of self destruction, of course. I call it my mouth. I mean, how many of you would go around calling all the girls you know in the city and asking them 'to be your escort/ wife just for a couple of hours, no strings attached.' ? And then, go ahead and ask them to ask their friends if they are not willing ? And to think, people actually say I have a way with words.

I guess I better start from the beginning, to try and justify my 'indecent proposals'. This really starts innocuously a month back when I was walking out of a mall and was given a coupon to fill. Thinking nothing of it, I filled it up with the details required ( name, age, sex, phone number, blah blah ). Yesterday afternoon, I recieve a call from Country Vacations ( part of the Country Club India franchise ) telling me I'm a winner. It's my lucky day as I'm now the owner of a free vacation to Kerala/ Goa/ Bali/ Sri Lanka worth Rs 25,000 for me, my wife and 2 of my kids below the age of 12 years. Woohoo !!! I'm the king of the world, I scream. Yippee !! Bali, baby, Bali. Oh Oh.. what wife and 2 kids ????

I informed the sweet lady on the phone that yes, of course, I'd be there for their presentation today afternoon. "Thank you, sir. And don't forget to bring your wife with you."
"Ummm... I'm not married"
"Oh."
"Is that a problem ?"
"Well, yes sir. This voucher is for a married couple. You have to be married."
"You're kidding, right ?"
"Don't worry, sir. All you have to do is bring any married couple with you."
"Hmmmm... ok, I'll get back to you."
"Definitely sir.. but remember, you have booked your appointment with us this afternoon. Don't miss it."

I cut the phone and sat glumly. Because, I knew one thing to be true. I did not know a single married couple who I could ask to accompany me on a moment's notice. All were senior staff who you met on a professional level or newly weds who'd bundled their wives back home to be 'free again.' What would I do now ? As always, that joker, God showed me the way. A sneeze. I turned around. There in front of me was the gynac resident, fresh out of a case and apparently, done for the day. She's happily married and well settled, by the by.
"Hey, G, is your hubby free today between 5 - 6.30 pm ?"
"No, he has a surgery. ( He's the surgeon, not the patient, guys ) "
"Damn... do you think he'd mind if I borrowed you for a couple of hours ?"
She edged away from me slowly.
"What ?"
"See, I need a girl urgently.. not for long, just a couple of hours...( By now, her face has got this frozen smile on it, kinda resembling the Joker in the Batman comics ) you'll be free to go back to him by 7 pm, I swear. It won't take long."
G had reached the door by now. "Roshan ?"
"Yes ?" I asked, my eyes hopefully.
"You need to get married. Seriously. You have issues, man."
"No, wait.. what I meant is.. let me explain."
Of course, she'd rushed out the door. I would get a call from her hubby later. He's basically a nice guy. We talked a bit. I spoke. He spoke. He laughed. I laughed. I don't think I'll be invited to dinner with them anytime soon. It's better anyway. I don't think I wanna be alone with that guy after this... he's good with sharp instruments.

Anyway,decidedly bad tactics.. I have to phrase my sentences better. My thoughts are interrupted by the sweet lady who I'd spoken to earlier.
"Have you found a couple yet sir ?"
"Not yet, I'm afraid. Isn't there any other way ?" I pleaded.
"I'm afraid not sir. Don't you have any married couple friends to come with you ?"
"That's the thing. All are busy presently."
"Well, sir. If you don't make it at 5pm, you'll miss your chance, I'm afraid."
"Damn it. I'm really out of options."
"Sir,If you could get someone to pretend to be your wife..."
"Really ? That would work ?"
"Don't tell them I told you to do so.."
"Of course not. Thanks a million. I'll find someone. See you at 5 pm."

Let's see..How do I start ? I'll start with.. Oooh, no time. there's M. She's married too. I'm not as close to her, but well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
"M ?"
"Yes ?"
"I need a favour."
( Silence )
"See, uh.. I won this uh.. I'd filled up a coupon actually.. on the streets.. and they called now.. they're giving me a week's stay in a 5 star hotel with my wife..funny, huh, since I don't have a wife and all.."
"What do you want, Roshan ?"
"Will you be my wife for awhile ?"
( End of Silence ) ( Beginning of foul language, unbecoming of a lady. I swear, my prim and proper image of her dropped a few notches that day.. I wonder what she'd say of me. )
Well, M and I weren't that close anyway.

S was next. Third time's a charm, right ? Well, funnily enough, this is where I really put my foot in my mouth. I don't even know from where the 'E' word popped into my head and I thought of using it. In my defence, I was using it in a purely innocent sense and didn't even consider 'any other uses' of it.
"Listen, S , are you free for a couple of hours ?"
"Sure, what's up, Rosh ?"
"I need an escort for a couple of hours and you were the first person who came to mind.. see, I have to attend a .."
"You needed an escort ? And you thought of me ?"
"Ya..see, the thing is.."
"What the hell do you think of yourself ? You ... ( she overacts even normally, so this was anyway bound to turn into Oscar winning emoting. )

Long story short, she said No. Towards the end of that long 'No', it dawned on me where I'd seen the word ESCORTS used ( newspaper classifieds, along with flattering descriptions of what the ESCORTS 'offer' ). By then, it was too late. The fact that I had asked her if her sister was available for the same purpose before I realised my E-folly didn't help matters. Really, you'd think someone with my perverted mind would atleast remember that the word Escort is associated with call girls. Then again, in hind sight, I have also gotten into trouble using that term too injudiciously ( "Your sister's a call girl. That's cool, man. No studies, straight out of school, nice money, fun life.." The problem was I walking about a call CENTRE girl. Ya, they don't keep in touch with me anymore either. )

Eventually, I did convince a 'friend' to be my wife for a couple of hours. The fact that she's from Manipur and has a very short term memory didn't help matters when it came to making up our love story. We had a roaring time describing our Kerala to Manipur love story, with our extended honeymoon ( When they asked where we honeymooned.. we both blurted out Kerala and Imphal at the same time.. so it was a a long honeymoon that began in Kovalam beach and ended in Imphal. ) Funnily enough, we were convincing enough though she would have called it quits the second they'd asked for any form of Public display of affection and even though she kept her hands under the table the whole time, not even raising it for a handshake.. they thought she was shy while actually she was suffering from F2WWR SYNDROME... forgot to wear wedding ring syndrome. I owe her for taking the trouble, though... and believe me, she's gonna make me pay.

The irony ? Well, I'd really no plans of using this holiday.I mean it's lovely and all and their concept is really good, but it isn't what I have in mind right now.. not at this stage of my life. I thought I'd gift it to my parents. But the 25k covers just hotel fare at the club, the rest's coming out of your credit cards and somehow I don't think Country club's gonna agree to mom's suggestion ( Ask them to cut it down to 3 days and with the money they're saving, give us food !!!! ) Not gonna happen, right, guys ?

So, here's the deal.
I've sent out a few feelers to friends which have mostly come back negative as well, due to other commitments ( Us docs are funny that way ). So, if the last couple of friends too say no, then if anyone out there reading this wants a free stay for 2+2 kids for a week between now and September 2008 in Country Vacations resorts in Kerala / Goa / Bali / Sri Lanka, worth 25 thousand rupees, please ask/ message/mail. Seriously. It's all yours. In the unlikely event, that there really are more than 2 people out there reading this blog and you BOTH want it, well, it's just gonna be a flip of the coin really. So don't get pissed if I give it to the other guy. I really will be just choosing via the ancient method ( no, not vaastu shashtra...I meant the "inky pinky ponky" method ).

Oh.. Did I mention I'm also morally corrupt and accept bribes ? No. Just thought now'd be a good time to mention it. I'm just kidding. No strings attached. I'll send you the voucher to your home address. That's all. If you don't wanna ask in the public comment box, just mail me at the email id on my profile. To quote those horny call centre girls "DISCRETION GUARANTEED."
Sigh.. I meant, call girls, of course.