Silky smooth baldness...

As a kid, I used to read a lot of spy novels and watch all those damn detective serials and paranormal phenomenon serials ( Yes, the X- files was my Bible and I still bow my head in reverance thinking of Mulder and Scully) which all stressed the same point - blame it on the government. I slept uneasy night after night, the words of Ludlum and Clancy beseeching me to trust noone. Anyway, after a few "unsavoury incidents" with the postman ( or that's what he claimed to be, though I knew better ) which had to be financially hushed up, I was sent to a medical school for counselling and due to an error on the administration's part, was chosen as a student instead of a patient. Long story short, I became a doc. Anyway, with bones and drugs taking over my life, I grew up. I realised the folly of my childhood fantasies. You see, I don't think they're out to get me anymore.. I'm NOW SURE they're out to get me. No doubt about it. Nada.

And it's not just via the obvious routes too, you know. Like that damn mobile Gps system or those ATM cards which delay just a second too long before giving me my cash, as they relay my position to them 'officials. It's in the small thingies too. How do I know ? Because I seek the truth, Scully.

Below, I present one of the many conspiracy theories I've uncovered out there along with fellow aides ( strategically positioned at NIMHANS, Oolambara, Kuthiravattam, Erwadi.. God bless their souls ). The full list of our theories will be released soon in our super self help book - "How to reach the top 5 - kill everyone else."

"Conspiracy theory 67b - silky smooth baldness"

For a long time, it occured to us enlightened few that these government bodies would be trying to get into our most private arenas - the bathroom. After me and the others kept 72 hours vigil over the toilet and uncovered nothing ( other than severe stomach cramps ), it dawned on me why we had failed. We were looking for an enemy which was already there. The evil lady with those long show-offy hair locks in the shampoo bottle !!! Of course. It all started to make sense.

I mean, we've bought it, right ? What easier way to enter the house ? And those silly non-disclaimer pick up lines they threw at us ?

"Shampoo - for extra body" Ya, right. Try it and all of a sudden, with the loss of hair, it looks like you've gained a whole lot of "extra body", all right. Of course, it doesn't affect me with my lush locks, but you poor commoners.. ah! Who'm I kidding ? I'm losing hair faster than a monkey with diabetes. Hell, my dog throws sympathetic glances at my headmop. I haven't had to buy a new comb in years.. the humiliatiuon when people see the comb and say "Hey, new comb.. what ? 4 years old ? No way. It looks brand new.. lke it's never been used.. Oh.. umm..so how's everyone at home ?" The last guy who gave his variation of the above dialogue still carries my bite marks on his arm. Hopefully, word will spread. But wait !! Like all normal unsuspecting folk, you too are still a disbeliever ! I have not provided enough proof , mon ami ?

Oh ya.. then what about the "for dry and damaged hair" tag line. Ever notice they never say "For making dry and damaged hair wet and fluffy hair" ? Because, that's part of the plan.. to make your hair "dry and damaged".. Why? So it'll falllll. Why ? I haven't figured that part out yet, but I'm leaning towards the "it's hard to make us out via spy satellite with our hair on" theory. Oh yes, Will Smith was trying to warn us with "Enemy of the State ". We just didn't listen.

Of course, nowadays, they've released pro-active shampoo. You recall, no doubt, that little line at the end which says "best if used with OUR conditioner / nail polish / face wash / toilet paper / condom / any of our products dammit !!" Well, you better believe they mean it. For the truth is far more sinister than just selling their products.

Remember that innocous bit of shampoo that always manages to find it's way down your forehead ? Coincidence that all over the world, people nodded to the above line ? Nay.. it's because that's their 'pro active' shampoo.. that's their look-out boy. He scouts and sees whhether we've really been using their other products as recommended. If he sees a different conditioner or soap, well, that's it. The message is relayed back immediately. The rest of the shampoo have their orders..to self destruct right there, on your hair, taking those precious follicles with them. Made from line and tea extract ? My Ass !!!More like made from Taliban jehadi suicide camp !!

I know what you're upto, shampoo people. You can fool the rest of the world, but not me. Rosh is too smart for yer kind.

P.S. Why why why are you so curious to know what medication I'm on right now ? Eh ? Who asked you to ask me ? It was them, wasn't it ? What agency are you working for ? What does it matter to you about those extra pills I'm taking on the sly ? That's between me and Pablo, supplier of "pain go bye bye" pills. Thank you, Huan Pablo. Cuba can always depend on me when war erupts.. just get me a good cap to cover my lush locks !!!