Ask Uncle rOSHO

It is a little known fact but I was actually an advice guru for a brief spell in a leading website. "Brief" is perhaps an exaggeration since I was abruptly relieved from my post on my very first day for reasons that have yet to be revealed to me despite numerous complaints to the CEO of that damned site. Personally I suspect that they were just too cheap to pay me, especially once they realised my insane talent and saw how other companies would give me better offers once my scholarly talents were discovered. The fact that I had demanded Swiss chocolates and a Rolls Royce , in addition to my first paycheck, probably had nothing to do with the termination.

Ya, I know what you're thinking, you smug ass. "He's bluffing AGAIN !! " Hah !! Well, the jokes on you, smarty pants. As proof that I did work with them, I have a mastercopy of my advice rendered( stolen via sophisticated new age technology - I call it Project Ctrl - C. )
I present to you the humble beginnings of this soon-to-be-famous advice guru in

"Ask Uncle rOSHO."

Broken Heart 87 : Dear rOSHO, I'm in love with a guy since 2 years. But he doesn't even know I exist even though we stay in the same colony. How do I get him to notice me ?
rOSHO : Hi, Broken Heart 87. A lot of people have the same problem. It's nothing to be worried about. I have the perfect solution. Just follow these easy steps. First, find out who his best friends are.
Broken Heart 87 : I get it. Get them to introduce me , right ?
rOSHO : No, no. That's old fashioned. Step 2 is to make out with all of them. In no time, the guy will be queueing up for his turn. Trust me, it worked with all my ( ex ) best friend's girl friends.
Broken Heart 87 has logged off.

Young@heart : Dear rOSHO, does love at first site exist ?
rOSHO : Depends on what you part of her you're looking at.
Young@heart has logged off.

Bewitched : Dear rOSHO, I've been going out with a guy for a couple of dates now. He's the perfect gentleman with me. But my friends tell me that inside all men lies a sex offender. How do I know that my man is the genuine hing and is not just fooling me ?
rOSHO : Bewitched, what mobile phone does your guy have ?
Bewitched : Umm.. a Nokia N73.
rOSHO : Good. Well, the next time you meet him, find an excuse to play arund with his mobile while he's not looking. Then hunt for sex videos in that mobile.
Bewitched : I see. So if he has sex videos, he's a pervert ?
rOSHO : Don't be silly. Every guy with a video enabled mobile has sex videos. His morality depends on how openly he prefers to keep it. If it's right out in the first folder, then he's a "what you see is what you get" kinda guy. If it's hidden deep down in a folder titled "Stock Market News".. then he's a guy who's got a lot to hide, Dear.
Bewitched : But what if he's got no sex videos ?
rOSHO : Then he's probably after your brother.
Bewitched has logged off.

Lonely Angel : I'm disillusioned in life. Everything I touch fails me. My girlfriend left me for my friend. I'm one step away from hanging myself, rOSHO. I need to hear some uplifting words. Tell me there is hope of a better world. What is the meaning of life ?
rOSHO : I'll tell you what isn't the meaning of life, you ignoramus. It is NOT turning on the internet at 11 am in the afternoon and asking someone you don't even know what the meaning of life is !!! How bored in life are you , you cry baby loser !! Get a job, get a life, get a girl. Sheesh. You're one of those big time losers, ain't ya..
rOSHO : Hello ?
rOSHO : Hello.. yoohoo ?
rOSHO : Guess he logged off..

Armageddon 2000 : Is the END OF THE WORLD approaching ?
rOSHO : No, dipshit. It's going farther away.In fact, you're part of God's special Easter bonus program who'll live forever and ever and yet age gracefully. Moron.
Armageddon 2000 has logged off.

Confused guy : Hi. I have an embarrassing problem. I'ma 15 year old in love with my Chemistry tuition teacher. She's so sweet and gorgeous. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of getting her a red rose to show my feelings. What do you think ?
rOSHO : Seriously. What age are you living in ? Red roses are passe. Now, here's what I suggest you do. First of all, is she married ?
Confused guy : No. She stays alone in a one bedroom flat.
rOSHO : Perfect. Now, I suggest you get a 1 litre cola bottle the next time you go to her. But first, buy a 180 ml Smirnoff bottle too. Pour it into the cola bottle for attaining the desired effect. Getting her to drink the whole bottle is gonna be the tricky part. But, of course, before that, you have to be "safe." I suggest you go to the nearest pharmaceutical store and get yourself a packet of ..

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