For want of a moan...

My world was shattered a few days ago. All my dreams, my hopes .. all came crashing down in the night after a busy day when I finally sat down to read the newspaper.

“Maria was a terrible lover” cried the gossip column page. The story, of course, dealt with Adam Levine ( of Maroon 5 ) and his kiss-and-tell confessions of how bad a lover Maria Sharapova was in bed. He spoke of how “she just lay there in bed, not moving, moaning or sighing… At one point she even asked him not to groan since it disturbed her concentration. He was so down he took anti-depressants for a month, he claimed.”

He was down !?! What about me ?? I quickly sat cross- legged on the bed ( “assumed the position” as we higher spiritual beings prefer to call it ) , closed my eyes and dialed 1-800- BigDaddy mentally. “ Lord above, the one I love.. come to me now, I need you.. lo lo lo lord above, wiggi wiggi, come on down, shake it daddy, shake it now.. ( wiggi wiggi is the cd scratching – it’s the remix version of the prayer.. its on side B of enlightenment cds )
Please Lord, I read this article that has shaken my faith in all that I believe is blonde and Russian. Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me that all I learnt from those awe- inspiring movies of my early teens still holds true. O Lord, let not such a hottie be not naughty.

A bright light flashed at the front window. I turned , expectantly. It was just the passing light from a truck. “Oof !!” I heard a groan behind me. Turning around, I found the back window of the room now open and God himself climbing in. He’d slipped on the Tang I’d dropped on the window sill on his way in. I really should call the cleaning lady some time.

Anyway, I’m digressing . There he was in all his glory. He came to me, placed his lotus, mace, discus and conch shell down ( yup, he was doing his rounds in that avatar that day ), placed 2 of his 4 hands on my shoulders and looked at me with those big doe eyes of his. I felt that divine touch in all it’s glory, the selflessness, the love seeping through every pore of my..

WHACK !!!!

He slapped me across the cheek. ( Apparently, he was holding me in place with those 2 hands.. divine slaps have to be perfect, you see ) That familiar, divine voice I hear in my head at odd hours now spoke to me..
“Pipsqueak !! Seeriously ! Why are you calling me to know how Maria is in bed ? Do you really think you have a chance of getting any from her ? Really ? Really really ?
Like, deep down, really really ?”
“Well, anything is possible, right ? I have faith in the Lord to help me achieve the impossible.”
“Kid. I AM the Lord ! Trust me, you don’t have a rat’s ass chance of getting any Maria booty . Now start praying for world peace and the survival of the tiger like the rest of the time. Stop using my private number for these kinda dumb-ass questions. Maybe then I’ll let you atleast ‘get some’.”
Any further promises of salvation were interrupted by a familiar annoying ringtone of his mobile. Nokia never changes that damn tune with time, do they ??Anyway, his 4 hands went to work, searching all his pockets simultaneously, before the bluetooth device in his ear kicked in.
“ Ya, it’s Big G.. what’s up.. where am I ? I just popped down to Earth for a minute for.. ya, I know, I was supposed to look out for .. He got for how much ? 99 ? Again ? Shit. I was on cricket duty today.. I was assigned to look after him.. but there was this moron who just asked the most ridiculous question, I had to come down to slap.. ya, the Godyears guy again.. damn. I was supposed to help him get a century this time. My bad. Look. It’s time for damage control. Make it look like he got a bad decision on the replays. Ok ? Sure, I’ll be up in a minute. Thanks, buddy. Oh man, the BCCI’s gonna be pissed. See ya soon. Bye.”
He turned to me and glared. It ain’t a pleasant look. Somehow, not many painters get this expression in their paintings of him. “Now look what you made me do ?” he barked. “The whole of India’s gonna be pissed at me for getting him out at 99 again. You know how much we stand to lose off the religious cash cow country of the world. Why I oughta.. If my shrink hadn’t forbidden me from throwing down lightning bolts at people like you..
Ah !! Forget it. I have more important things to attend to right now. Shit, that’s them !!” he said , glancing down at his mobile which was ringing with the familiar tone once more and the words “BCCI calling”.. printed on the screen.
He faded slowly away, but I could hear him muttering as he vanished – “Unbelievable. The devil get the presidents, the sex bombs, the celebrities, the super stars.. I get stuck with nuts like this….”
The light faded and I was alone again.

Since then, I've just missed being hit by a car ( I pushed an old lady in front of it instead ), struck down by an errant arrow ( thank God I bent down to pick up that 50 paise coin ) and narrowly avoided being crushed by a blue whale ( I don't care what you say, Ive never heard of anyone transporting a blue whale from the Arctic to Australia in a helicopter with a travel route across Pune.. God was probably getting desperate by then. )

I’m trying not to read too much into my religious experience. But somehow I can’t shake the implications of my divine encounter.. that sinking feeling that I ain’t “getting any” this year !!!! Definitely not from any Russian blondes anyway.. hmm. Maybe I should consider Kazakhastan….

Happy Onam, everyone !!