I actually mean "No"

2 weeks back, I was really down when I sent in my last post. It wasn't work related in the sense of any case, to be frank. It was more stress related - the burden, the loneliness. I felt I was being unfairly burdened with more duties than the rest and was everyone's whippin' boy.

A funny thing happened since then. I had the time to introspect. And I realised how childish I was ("You FINALLY did?" his friends cried ). I realised how I was putting the blame meant for me on others feet. The fact of the matter was that it was my own tendency to land in such a situation that was responsible for this. You see, I suffer from a very sad disease - the ICANTSAYNOma. If someone asks for a favour, no matter how busy, I find myself saying yes and bending over to help them. Funnily enough, it didn't get me into much trouble during my college days, thanks largely to good friends, I guess ( "Didn't get me into much trouble????" cried the astounded crowd who knew his story). Here, it has surfaced and in a very severe form. Sadly, it has also been identified and as a result I find myself the errand boy to a lot of menial tasks I'd rather avoid.

You know what's the funny thing ? Even though I say "Man, I wish I could just say 'NO, FREAK OFF'", the fact is, I don't think given the chance, I'd change myself. It's true - I have some major flaws : I'm tremendously gullible too, which along with ICANTSAYNOma is very deadly. Moreover, I'm not the typical Mallu stereotype people here expect me to be ("YOU THINK???" screamed the irate crowd of his friends ) who is street smart enough with an ace up every sleeve- the Mallus feel I'm not gruff enough, while the rest don't feel I'm Hindi-ish enough... and I'm loving it. Because this is who I am : Victorian era values, Aquarian dawn mindset and out to erase borders. My thoughts in my head write themselves in English, blasphemous as it is to the mother-tongue brigade. I can't carry a bicycle chain wrapped around my palm just to appear Macho Mals ( God help me, I have no idea who gave 'em that idea here!!! ), though I'm not averse to a long keychain with one of those sproingy yellow smiley balls ( oooh, they do be sqiushy! ) . I will never be found with a sword, slicing my finger to get blood to adorn my forehead... gimme me Colgate Red anyday.. my head'll smell minty too, besides!!

When all is said and done, I've led a charmed life till now. I've been given all that I needed. Even though I have underachieved, I also have been blessed with tremendous luck to reach where I am today. If I have fallen, it is because I was given the chance to rise till that level where falling was possible. So while I will whine when the going goes tough, once I realise noone's watching, I will get up and carry on walking. Because I have places to be, people to meet, fame to gain.
But I will not change who I am at the core - I will hold on to my childishness ( AGONISED GROAN ) and I will believe that not everyone is out to cheat you or use you. Because this is me. If I am to be betrayed and taken advantage of for it, so be it. Because there is always a silver lining amongst the clouds, always good people among the rot who will care. And they make my life feel worthwhile, not the leeches.

As part of my getting-back-to-happy-thoughts program, I gave myself a break from work and headed off to INOX to watch Leonardo, Raphael and co seem more dark and mature ( ironic, huh ?? ) in the slightly dull version of an old cartoon favourite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway, from the bird watcher's viewpoint, the trip was worth it and besides on my way back, I stopped by Landmark and got myself 2 Bibles. Ok, not the original ones.. just two books which, in their own way, are sure to lift me up - one is the inspiring "THE SECRET" by Rhonda Byrne which I just had to add to my collection for the sheer concept.. the other ? "THE FUNNIEST THING YOU NEVER SAID - the ultimate collection of humourous quotations".. a book so yummy I recommend it to anyone who loves such quotation books of silly one liners.

So will I be cured of my ICANTSAYNOma ? Will I stop dropping all my work when someone asks for help ? Will I learn to shake my head from side to side ? I don't know. I never felt the symptoms of this disease till now and whether it passes away like the cold or stays and festers remains to be seen. But I do know that I will do my best not to be so bothered about it.. and if I find that impossible, well, then heaven forbid, there's always PLAN B ( "PLAN B ??" they asked, in wonder. "PLAN B" he echoed sinisterly )... i.e. to go raving berserk, wear palm leaves and carry a roadside pig to work.... and blame it on the stress. ( I really don't put a lot of thought into my PLAN B's, but damn, my PLAN C's and D's are freakin' awesome , I tell ya, ladies and germs. )

Anyway, I leave you now with these random oneliners from the pages I just opened that made me giggle -
"I blame my father for telling me about the birds and the bees. For two years, I was going steady with a woodpecker."
"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. Didn't work. I kept almost dying."
"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But I always found them."
"My dog is so lazy, he doesn't chase cars. He just lies by the sidewalk taking down number plates." ( Sigh.. I miss Ruby . )
"Remember : it takes 42 muscles to frown, but just 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle."

Have a great week, folks.