Tabloid December

Be it ever so late, the year-end tabloids are here.It's time to see what happened during the holiday season that merited a raised eyebrow, don't you think ; time to find out what the Mexicans, an Egyptian dog, an American President,a Spanish Euro, a singer's gynaec and your granddad's walking stick did to enter TABLOID DECEMBER.
Bush Balls : Did you hear about Bush and the mental patient ? No, it's not a case of twins. Apparently, a Palestinian mental patient was arrested and put on trial for eXpressing a desire to castrate His Holiness, George Bush. Despite taking into account his mental capacity ( and the fact that he lives, like, 2000 miles away from Bush and has no means of reaching him ), the court nevertheless sentenced him to 7 months in jail. Bush must have raised a toast in Air Force One when he heard how 'justice had prevailed'. Atleast,that is, till his bodyguard tapped him in the back and mentioned a tiny insignificant detail - our mental patient had already spent 8 months in jail waiting for the case to hit the courtroom - he walked out as soon as the trial ended - a free man!!!! Last heard - the CIA and NSA have been put on 24/7 surveillance of a randomly assigned testicle, my sources tell me.

Britney Presents : Oh Britney Britney!! My fav blonde bimbo is just so ...blonde. She started the month scared shitless of whether Fed-EX would release her sex tape. As it turns out, he didn't. So what does Britney go and do ? Celebrate how her dignity and izzat was saved by partying with Paris Hilton and promptly appearing on the tabloid front page drunk, WITH NO UNDERWEAR !! Oh well, Atleast, she chose professional help, what with Paris being the queen of these kind of slips. What, you wanted to make up for the video tape that never was by showing your fans what they missed ?? Her gynaecologist was pretty pleased though, I believe - he didn't have to make his monthly rounds to her place. He gave her the thumbs up over the phone, I hear. Ah!! Modern medicine.

Goodo Inventiono : Breasts aren't spared too. In Japan, those lovely, ever-dignified, ever bowing, ever inventing gentlemen have now invented a new age bra. This bra not only does what it's normally meant to do, but actually has a compartment which, when required, can be expanded to form a shopping bag, thus reducing the need for using plastic bags, thus saving the environment. I don't know about you guys, but I want to shake the hand of the Japanese team behind this invention. I mean, how on Earth do you think of putting shopping bags into bras ? Can you imagine the number of men in Japan waiting at the Wal-Marto with their video mobiles or whatever new age gizmo they have out there, just to get videos of women stuffing their groceries into their bras ?? Sigh. I guess the golden days of Japanese inventions is gone. But hey, atleast they're environment (and men) friendly now.

Robbing Grandpa : Elsewhere, one of the world's oldest ice hockey sticks , reportly carved between 1852-56, was sold at an auction for a meagre 2.2 million dollars. 2.2 million dollars. That's roughly 102 crore rupees, Indian. For an old stick. Get my drift ? Get off your asses, leave the room and go steal Grandpa's walking cane and rocking chair right now. Consider it an investment for your children - it'll probably pay for their college fees 20 years on. If you have any old cuckoo clocks, radios, the keyboard-formerly-known-as-typewriter or maybe those Casio game-and-watches.. dude, retire at 35 years. You're set for life, anyway.

Pension after puberty : Speaking of retirement, swimmer Ian Phelps retired last month. Awww, so sad, so bad..SO WHAT ?? Duh !! He's 25 years old. Since when is 25 years an age to retire ? What're you trying to do - kill me with an inferiority complex !?! As if breaking world records doesn't dent my 'same aged' ego enough, while my life's moment of glory remains winning the coveted Besurdas. ( it's a singing event, ok...the worst singer award ) Besides, what do you do after retiring at the age of 25 ? Knit woolly clothes for the unborn kids from your yet-to-meet wife ?

Madrid Moolah : How is a wad of single euros worth millions ? Simple. Get them from Spain. A study of bank notes taken from various parts of Spain detected the presence of cocaine in no less than 94 % of all bank notes there!!! 94% !! Man ! Cocaine sells on the streets at 60 euros a gram and I guess some of the notes used for snorting came back with quite a bit into the banks.Street dealers must be pissed though - after all, the bank is 'moving in on their turf now.' The amount of cocaine you can pick up from it would come in handy if your granddad isn't parting with his walking cane, me thinks. It's like a savings fund for your coke - pay a lot the first time around, get some coke back with your next cash withdrawal.

DemoCrapcy : Of course, where stupidity awards go, we stand unsurpassed. An Indian weekly did a survey and concluded that the overwhelming majority of Indians ( 3 in every 4) loved Mr Abdul Kalam and would love to have ol' Silver Locks back as President for a second term. I agree, of course. But the same article then came up with a shocker of a disclosure. The Holy Political Trinity ( the pacifist, the aggressor and the red sickles ) all love him too and speak of him in glowing poetic terms... but none of them were ready to vote for him for a second term. And guess whose vote matters when choosing the President ? Theirs, of course. Wow, that is so cool - we elect people to represent us and these people tell us they won't choose the guy we all want because he's too nice. That's the spirit. Out with the good, in with the crap. Why don't we just hand over the country to the border terrorists on a platter ? Atleast then we can fall back on the 'videshi haath' excuse.

El Hombre Stupido : Borders reminded me of a fun story my American Idol ( Jay Leno ) told in his show. Apparently, the alien problem in USA is getting out of hand. I'm talking of the millions of Mexican immigrants crossing the border illegally into USA. So what did USA do ? They chalked out an elaborate plan to make a huge wall separating the South from Mexico. Can you imagine the size of that wall for it to include the breadth of Mexico ? And we're talking a pretty freaking tall wall too, not just barbed wire and guards. Anyway, the twist in the tale is this - the company that got assigned the job of building this wall got pulled up by the federal authorities. Why ? For using Mexican illegal immigrants to construct this wall ! Sheesh !!Can you say "Dumb ass" in Mexican !?!

Crap!!! : And finally an age old mystery was solved in the last week of December that has haunted a nation and been the focus of many textbooks and movies. But first, let me tell you about the incident - A sniffer dog assigned to checking on airports and planes for bombs ended up costing the Egyptian government a hefty packet. Well, the poor pooch kinda performed his 'natural' duties while performing his duties aboard the plane ..yup, he "pooped" while sniffing for bombs ( gives a whole new twist to 'shit scared', doesn't it ? ) Anyway, the pilot and crew refused to let the plane leave till the plane was sanitised , leading to a major clean up and reimbursement to the passengers. The final bill - close to $ 100,000 apparently !! You see, now the Egyptians and historians finally get it - this is why Tutankhamen and Cleopatra preferred cats to dogs!!! Ironic how the plane staff talk about being disgusted though - now they know what we feel when we see the aeroplane food !!!