Is
pre-marital sex okay?
“It
is okay provided the couple are in
love and in a deeply committed relationship.”
“As long as they are planning to get
married, I guess.”
“It
is today’s world. After seeing all
these Western shows and movies, today’s youth would be influenced…”
You
know what the scary part is? That the above statements are from those defending
pre-marital sex. You are defending it and yet you add so many caveats. Contrast
this to the naysayers and defenders of mankind’s pre-nuptial virginity.
“It is against our
culture.”
“It is against our
religion.”
“It is a sin.”
“It is because of
chowmein.”
There is such a surety about their convictions, even if it
is as absurd as claiming food and mobile phones as causes of pre-marital sex. You
know that they are not going to budge. Sex without matching horoscopes or a
wedding ring is obviously a crime that warrants the death penalty in their
heads.
If you believe that your sexuality is your choice, stop trying
to defend it half-heartedly because you fear society, religious values et al.
Take a bold stand. When you add riders like “should be in love”, “should be
deeply committed” etc, you are missing the whole point of the conversation.
Look around you. Can you honestly say that every married couple around you is
in love? That there is a deep sense of commitment between them?
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| Image source: FashionPlaceFace.com |
You and I both know that you answered in the negative. But
the social norm is that even if you cannot stand the sight of each other, you
must go to bed and engage in sex with him/her because of the marriage
certificate. On the other hand, a young couple in love cannot kiss even though
they are strongly attracted to each other because ‘that would be wrong.’
This is where you lose me. You look to shame an expression
of love/desire/attraction between two consenting adults yet say ‘it happens’
when physical abuse/marital rape/subjugation in a marriage occurs and counsel
the mentally scarred victim to stay in the relation.
You can quote all the scriptures and verses you want but you
just have not factored in the basic attributes of the human heart and mind: every
heart yearns for love, affection and intimacy; every mind yearns for a
compatible partner. You cannot pinpoint why two people are attracted to each
other just as you cannot gauge the true depth of emotional commitment between
any two people. I won’t even accept that this is a ‘problem of the new generation.’
Pre-marital sex has been going on since centuries and has little, if anything,
to do with the advent of mobile phones, chowmein or tv shows. You cannot switch
off puberty and all that comes with it, just because you think it is wrong.
The problem is that the public have their binoculars focused
on just that one aspect called sex. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship
will tell you that there are emotional and trust factors as well in addition
to the sexual compatibility. Sex is just an expression of intimacy. It is not
the end game of a relationship but a part of it. In fact, treating it as the
end game by putting a ‘thou should be married before thou engages in carnal
acts’ tag is the problem if you ask me because by doing so, the focus is no
longer about looking for a compatible partner. It becomes about conforming to
society rules – same caste, same financial status, same religion… even same
blood relations are fine, apparently! But compatibility? That most significant
factor of all? Leave that to the old man reading your horoscope and sealing the
deal even before you met your future spouse!
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| Image source: The Truthful Man |
Women today have finally taken their rightful place
alongside men – both in the workplace and at home - and that is something that patriarchal mindsets are still struggling to come to terms with. Give the
latter a chance and they would still wax eloquent on how marrying your daughter
off to a total stranger was totally okay because Sita and Draupadi too did it.
Men can have urges – bachche to bachche hai, after all – but accepting a woman
as having a sexuality? No way! That is only for morally corrupt women,
apparently. Sigh…
Shaming them is just you enforcing a mindset that really
does not even hold up under scrutiny anymore. Lines like ‘if it was your sister or daughter in a relationship, would you be okay’ do not faze me because I reply ‘Definitely.
I would prefer she be in a relationship and explore her feelings of her own
free will rather than an enforced one with marital ties where she have no
chance of getting out if she finds herself incompatible with the person later
on.’
Can I guarantee that every encounter of pre-marital sex will
end in a successful relationship? Of course not. That is not for me or you to
determine, remember. It is up to the individuals in the relationship. But I can
look around me today and say with a calm confidence that every encounter of
post-marital sex does not end in a successful marriage either. The numbers aren't even close and that is just the disillusioned people willing to openly admit
that they are not happy in their marriages.
Arguments like ‘too uninformed about sex’ are more valid in my eyes.
They are also irrelevant to the discussion at hand. Because the true opposition chooses to site
moral issues with the act, don’t they? They demand the couple get married if
they are ‘caught’ in such a relationship, not sent for sex education classes,
right? At a time when couples could use relationship advice pertaining to pregnancy fears, sexually transmitted diseases and emotional doubts, we are still busy stuck at the starting line because we refuse to accept the basic concept of 'sex without a wedding ring'.
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| Image Source: Self.com |
My stand is straightforward:
The only two people who should
have a say in a pre-marital sexual relationship are the concerned couple themselves. It is
something they should discuss and decide upon – whether they are willing to
wait or choose to have sex is up to them. The end goal to any relationship
should be compatibility, not a wedding band.
Aim for a relationship that is compatible on an emotional, mental and sexual level and you will find the person you would love to marry and thus get your happy ending (no pun
intended!) as well.
Author's note:
This is my entry for Indiblogger's "Yes or No to Pre-marital Sex" contest with Poonaam Uppal's True Love - A Mystical True Love Story.
Let me know what you think.