There's a new superhero ... me !

I can hold this secret no longer. 

It is time you all knew who I really was. Or am. Or am about to become.

I know you will hold my secret dear, my fellow readers. The safety of the world depends on it, after all.

You see, I am not just the Doc or Roshan or His Highness the Sultan of Blogpuri III. Those are just names I use in public to hide my true identity.

Do you know who I really am ?  

I am Spiderman. 

Or Batman. I'm not really sure yet. 

I'll let you know before this blogpost is over.

The important thing is, I now share the most fundamental aspect of the two superheroes - their origins. Allow me to explain further.

A few days ago, I woke up as I usually do at 6am and began my daily routine which starts with a toothbrush in my mouth and ends with my head full of shampoo as I do the funky-chicken dance ( Have you ever showered in freezing cold water in the morning ? Then believe me, you've done it too. ) 

I came out of the shower and turned on the tv, while putting on my shirt. My eyes still glued on the television, I had one leg in my pants when the most wtf thing happened. I felt something graze my thigh... and a bat flew out of the pants [ insert 'Boy! It really has been a long time since you had sex'/ 'must have been a fruit bat' joke here ]. 

To say I was stunned would be an understatement. My doors are traditionally locked and there was no logical way that a bat got in. It was huge - like a small calf or a baby tiger or a - oh wait, I'm showing you all the picture. Okay fine, it was a baby bat, smaller than my palm ( which,by the by, is the size of a small calf... or a baby tiger. )

Anyway, even as it struggled back up from the ground, I became aware of another presence - a long legged one - in the room. No, not Anne Hatheway, but a damn huntsman spider ! For those of you who don't know, it's a very common, very creepy, fast moving spider. ( I'm not putting a photo. Here's a video on Youtube to get familiar with it. ) And believe me - this guy was running fast and furious !

Between using my pant as a nunchaku BruceLee-style and doing my best to stop myself from screaming like a little girl, I somehow managed to drive the bat out a window I opened. The spider retreated to the top corner of the room, away from my grasp... just sitting patiently, biding it's time while I scurried off to work. When I came back, it was gone... but so was my large Pringles BBQ flavour chips. ( B***h ! That was my last packet too. ) If I do end up filing a robbery complaint, I'm gonna say it stole my Rolex too. Back me up, okay ?

Anyway, you see, my dilemma. Bruce Wayne became Batman after being scared by a huge bat while Peter Parker got bitten by a spider. I, my friends, face the opposite conundrum. I was molested  grazed by a bat and scared by a huge spider. It is only a matter of time before my true calling as a superhero kicks in. Unlike those two, I must choose a mixture of both my origins. 

So if, in the days to come, you start hearing tales of a vigilante masked hero with a flowing polka dotted cape saving people in Kerala or hear the ominous sound of a Bat-rickshaw blazing chugging through your street, fear not, my children - I do it so you may rest in peace sleep in peace. 

You need not fear anymore. For nothing can stop this new superhero. No arch enemies ( Vegetarian Man, SaasBahuSerial Girl ), no weapons of mass destruction ( exercise machines, diet colas ), no evil plan can stop me from saving... oh ya, I won't be working on hartals. The roads will not be safe for my Bat-rickshaw and it's scary swinging from one coconut tree to another. You never know when a coconut will fall on your head. Worse still if I'm hanging upside down when it falls.

But besides that, you can now begin to lead a normal life while I selflessly sacrifice mine for you. Because that's what a great comic book movie once told me. "With great power comes great responsibility."

Who am I ? I am the SpiderButtBat !!

P.S. Sigh. I never get to lead a normal life. If Assange were to hack God's files, he'd find me listed under 'chubby Indian guinea pig.' I kid you not.

P.P.S. For those of you wondering whether the bat-graze has any risk, don't worry, it's been a few days and I've yet to develop any weird symptoms. It is a little difficult typing on a laptop while hanging upside down from the curtain rod, but I'm getting used to it.