It's a dogs world

Ting ding ding. Welcome to another round of Driving Us Insane - the show where each contestant vies to be more ironic than the other and in doing so, drive their masters totally insane. Without further adieu, let's meet Contestant number One.

Contestant One : Ruby

Blog sheet : Veteran - Plenty of previous blogposts. 

Height : Just above the judge's knee when standing upright on two legs. 

Weight : 6000 gms ( figures mentioned in grams to appear larger )

Experience : Seen 13 summers in Kerala.

Breed : Pom-fox-terrier-anian ( her grandma had loose moral values. )

Likes : Foreign biscuits, ice cream, being centre of attraction, having her food served to her on time, checking my plate regularly to make sure I didn't get more food than her.

Dislikes : Kids, fireworks.

Chases : Birds, cats, mongoose(s), squirrels. Apparently, not yet smart enough to realise that there is a difference between the beef served in her plate and the 500 kg cows that walk around outside the house.

Latest moment of irony : ( inspired by the movie Tron: Legacy ) Hops around like a bunny demanding to be taken out for a walk ( maybe she's 1/4th bunny - again, talk to her grandma for those details. ). Since her hearing isn't what it used to be, she remains oblivious of a particularly large cow 50 metres behind her leading to RACE 1 where I  the owner has to run, grab her up and bolt back inside the gate as the cow comes hurtling down the road towards her and nearly bangs into the gate. After a staring contest where both the cow and the dog are licking their lips for hopefully different reasons, the cow walks off around the corner and out of sight. Ruby and his equally thimble-brained owner walk out again after a couple of minutes thinking the coast is clear. They go 10 metres in the opposite direction and a lucky glance backwards reveals that the cow's head is peaking out the corner and staring at them. And a new race begins - RACE 2 with cow on one side and Ruby and me ... her owner running towards each other trying to get to the gate first. 

End result : Ruby walked 10 metres and was carried back like a baby the remaining 60 metres, the cow jogged 70 metres and Ruby's owner ran 70 metres and also realised that the cows in his locality are probably carnivorous and descended from the 'Twilight' series. ( 1/4th werewolf... how would I know ? )

Contestant Two : Victor.

Blog sheet : Debut blogpost.

Height : Just below the judge's shoulder when standing upright on two legs. Can be mistaken for a man in a tuxedo if he can learn to stay on two legs. A weird looking man. Or Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Weight : 28,000 gms ( Hence cannot be sneaked inside international aeroplanes... unless the pilot happens to look like Snoop Dogg and the plane's auto-pilot is damn good. )

Experience : 1st summer.

Breed : Doberman. Could have horse ancestry based on size.

Likes : Food. Things that taste like food. Things that look like food... like a table or a car.

Dislikes : Staying inside the kennel.

Chases : Not much for the thrill of the chase, Contestant Two prefers to go for leisurely walks... where he stands on two legs, supports himself on your back and then goes for a stroll around the garden with you attached. People staring from outside the house would be forgiven for thinking that he's taken us hostage and is making us walk in front of him.

Latest moment of irony : ( inspired by the movie The Shawshank Redemption ) Initially, he knew that his boundary was confined to the doorstep and he was not allowed inside the house. But now, he's decided it's better indoors and so every night, attempts to feed him results in him escaping from the kennel and running all the way inside the house, slipping and sliding on the tiles. After that, he forcibly lies down in front of the tv and efforts to get him back outside takes away the better part of the serial on tv ( which isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you consider the melodrama that is there in Mallu tv serials. )

End result : Ours is the only Feng Shui Buddha in town which has now adopted a kungfu pose just to be on the safe side every night when Victor comes rushing into the house.

So there you have it - one dog looking to run outside the house with rowdy cows awaiting to terrorise her and one mini-horse looking to run around inside the house and use the sofa sets as hurdles for an imaginary obstacle race. 

And the Winner : 

Us... for having such fun animals around to make sure life isn't boring at home. 

The truth is, if you ask any dog owner like me, they'll bore you with delightful tales of their dog's eccentric antics and how it keeps them busy. Looking after these pets is never a burden... it's a gift we give ourselves. You'll realise the truth in that statement when you have your own pet dog.

P.S. Don't ask me if the same applies to cows. I wouldn't know anymore... my house is surrounded by some really weird cows. I swear, I think I saw one of them cleaning his hoofs with a machete.