My 1.34 crore resume

To 

The Recruiting Officer

c/o Mr Zuckedman Zockermin Soccermom Motherzucker Mr Mark Z  

Facebook

http://www.facebook.com

The Internet

Respected Mr Sir/Madam/Other,

It has come to my notice that you recently signed up a nice young Indian boy ( whose name was not mentioned for security reasons ) straight out of college for the handsome salary package of Rs 1.34 crore as an annual package. I can empathise with him as I have been in an almost similar dilemma many years ago when I started working after 10 years of graduate and post graduate studies. The only difference back then was that I was a handsome boy and the salary was not mentionable for pitiful reasons. 

Anyway, I feel that I would be a welcome addition to the family of Facebook workers for a similar annual package as that young man. I would like to list the reasons below so that you will have no need for coming all the way down here for a campus interview in my case and can instead sign me on directly via email.

• At the outset, let me state that I have no present affiliation with any other social networking outfits other than your brilliant company.
•  In the interest of full disclosure, yes - I did have a phase in the mid-2000s where I was in Orkut, but I have stopped going there since the last 4 years and am now entirely Orkut-free. 
• I also have a Google plus account which is active only because I have a corresponding Gmail account which I have created to stash my collection of hot nipsli upskir 'saving the environment' pamphlets. I am willing to shut it down and transfer all these files to my yahoo account at a moment's notice, including the Kim Kardashian video where she and her black boyfriend get a room and she saves the environment.

• I am a veteran of Mafia Wars and for a brief while, had the highest score amongst my friends in Crazy Taxi. My Farmville farms have drawn praise even from Mr Thotapalli Nagarajan who tends to our gardens at home. 
• I have presently accumulated 623 points friends in the last 4 years at the astounding growth rate of 623 % since the day I started. While this does include the 375 radical Nazi skinheads from Germany who mistook me for a younger reincarnation of Hitler after seeing a profile picture of me with my hair well oiled and combed sideways, I assure you we have remained friends ever since, just like Mr Mark would have wanted. I even sent young Deschkupe Studenfrankher an Indian dish as he requested last year to his juvenile centre. I found it peculiar that he wanted hunting knives placed inside the payasam I sent him, but I guess every nationality has their own style of eating food so I complied. I don't know whether he got it though, because it coincided with the June 2011 breakout from that very juvenile home where 12 wardens were stabbed and the police suspected a 'foreign hand' in the matter.
• I am very punctual with 'Liking' people's status updates. My share ratio is also a healthy 68.4 %, including some of the famous shares of the last few years like the 'Susan Boyle singing on stage' video, the 'lion Christian reunited with his former human friends' video, the 'Why this Kola veri di' video and the 'Susan Boyle sings why this kola veri di while being eaten by Christian the lion' video.
• I have studied and can perform LOL, ROFL and LMAO very fast and with one finger.  
• I hear that the young man from Allahabad whom you selected will have to relocate to USA. I too have no reservations at all in this regard. I too am fully willing to give up my life of luxury in the metropolitan green picturesque village I presently stay in and move over to USA. I would preferentially like to work in poor impoverished areas like Miami and Las Vegas where the young mothers seem too poverty stricken to afford more clothing for the same. 
• Similarly, in the matter of accomodation, you will find me to be most okay okay not a problem accomodatingly accomodatable.  I am not averse to houses near dry desert-like sands ( eg : near the beach where they shot Baywatch ) or even with loud neighbours ( eg : the Bellagio or Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. )
• I prefer blonde female co-workers. But I can adjust with all types. I have a green belt in karate obtained when I was eight years old and can be of valuable assistance in security issues as well, in case we are attacked by crazed MySpace fanatics. 
• I am confident that I can contribute a lot to the creative teams in the Facebook workplace as well with inspirational speeches and motivational orations. In fact, I would like to provide here as proof ( see attachments ) pictures of me during my school days where I have motivated my fellow batchmates to greater goals. The first picture is of me dressed as a mouse ( during a play for 'Who will Bell the Cat ?' ). The second is of me again on stage as Gluteus Impossiblis, the little known sidekick of Brutus who inspires him to kill Caeser. The third picture is a recent one of me putting my finger in an aquarium filled with fish to show my cat, Ginger, that they're just ordinary fish and he can do the same. Much later, I found out ( after asking friends on your wonderful Facebook ) that piranhas do attack all sorts of animals and not just cats. God bless Ginger's soul.    

Having gone through my resume, I am sure that you will find me suitable for the job. I look forward to hearing from you at the earliest. 

Like

Dr Roshan

Author's note : The author is an anaesthesiologist who deals with critical care and does 36 hour emergency duties as a hobby while he waits for Mr Zuckerfreaky Zaigermeister Mr Mark to get this letter and hire him on the spot.